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How Dads Are Just Like Moms (Just Kidding!)

Photograph by Twenty20

In my next life, I want to come back as my husband, who's one of those elusive unicorns you're lucky to stumble across maybe just once in a lifetime. His aw-shucks smile, Southern twang and flop of hair will likely be the first thing to greet you, although the earnest expression of his heart will be the thing that remains part of you long after.

I also want to come back as him because, as a wise person once said: I don't want to sleep like a baby, I just want to sleep like my husband. He's lucky he's got warmth and charm going for him, because otherwise, I'm not sure he'd be considered useful enough to keep around.

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Take yesterday, for example. I worked all day, took his mother to the airport, worked more, picked up our daughters at school, went to the grocery store, tidied up the house, paid some bills, made the girls dinner, made us dinner—and when he came home from work and I asked if he could grill the shrimp that would go with our salad, he said, "OK, but since I'm doing that, can you take care of showering the girls?" as if I asked him to go into the ocean and catch our food instead of just sticking the dead crustaceans I procured over some propane-induced fire.

Dads: Like moms, except nothing and no one keeps (or wakes) them up at night.

There may very well be a persistent and unfair stereotype of dads as dopes, when, in fact, they're no better or worse than their female counterparts just by virtue of their gender. Yet for many women who marry and have kids—even in 2016—there's also a tacit understand they'll be doing the lion's share of work within the home and family, even if by all appearances their relationship is otherwise balanced. Much of the emotional grunt work often falls to women, who tend to have a larger capacity for multi-tasking, especially when intangible items are on the never-ending to-do list in their head.

Of course men can easily be the greatest dads and husbands, but I'll still hazard to guess that even in their best moments, hardly any of them can come close to the awesomeness of their wives. To be sure, plenty of dads are just like moms, except really, when you get down to it, they're not at all.

Dads: Like moms, except no one wants to hug them when they're on the toilet.

Dads: Like moms, except infinitely more impressed by breasts.

Dads: Like moms, except physically incapable of putting away laundry.

Dads: Like moms, except when they don't shave, it's by choice.

Dads: Like moms, except nothing and no one keeps (or wakes) them up at night.

Dads: Like moms, except free from the burden of remembering teachers' names, the kids' friends' parents' names, and really, anyone's name outside of the immediate family (and even then, they often call the kids by the dog's name).

Dads: Like moms, except lacking the knowledge of how to make the bed they have unmade and slept in for the past decade.

Dads: Like moms, except unencumbered by things like calendars, school project deadlines, dates, phone numbers, phone chargers, and usually, phones.

Dads: Like moms, except lacking the know-how to write "orange juice" on the grocery list when there's just a drop left in the carton, and also throw away the empty orange juice carton when he's finished it off.

Dads: Like moms, except unaware of things like teacher gifts, school lunch menus and elementary-level math.

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Dads: Like moms, except without the ability to bake, decorate and deliver cupcakes for a child's birthday celebration at school in 7.4 minutes.

Dads: Like moms, except with way more gas. Just not in the car. Ever. Especially when the tank is empty and it's your turn to carpool.

Dads: Like moms, except they find find their own expression of gas hilarious, and teach the kids to also produce it just for laughs.

Dads: Like moms, except their vision of Heaven is bottomless wings, not receiving a pair of them.

Dads: Like moms, except without having to do all the stuff. Unless it's fun. And involves ice cream. An hour before dinner.

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