Having kids changes up your social life. You still have one, but it looks much different than it did before. Instead of drinks by the pool, it’s apple juice next to a bounce house and nights usually end at around 11 p.m. Kidless outings are harder to come by these days, and you find yourself carefully choosing the right one because it not only requires planning for a babysitter, but also it has to be worth forgoing the sleep you rarely get anymore.
Most of the parties you now attend are family-friendly, but sometimes you’re invited to a party by your friends without kids to their otherwise kid-free party. You can’t get a babysitter, they very kindly tell you “no worries” and to “bring your little one along.” Because they’re cool like that, but also because they have noooo ideaaaaa what taking a kid to a strictly-adult party entails. Your initial reaction is “no, it’s alright,” but then after hearing that so many of your childless friends will be there—friends you haven’t seen since the Great Kid Divide, you say, “sure, we’ll come.” But then you get there and are quickly reminded why your gut was saying “you’ll regret this!”
Here are 13 things that will happen when you try to take your kids to a kidless party.
1. The only thing your kid will eat is buttered bread from the baguette laid out on the table.
Oh wait, the most kid-friendly food in the spread, the bread, was “too crusty.” So actually, your kid will just eat the butter off the bread. Just spoonfuls of butter.
2. She will leave said buttered bread on top of a very expensive coffee book titled something like, “Artwork by Dalmatians of Marseille.”
Which probably also cost more than your own coffee table.
3. You will spend three-fourths of the time at the party in one of the guest rooms of the house playing hide-and-seek or playing with the toys your brought in your purse.
You sit in your hiding spot behind the bed while sadly stealing bites of a canapé that you are holding in a napkin. You try not to feel sorry for yourself.
4. You will spend the other one-fourth of the time playing goalie to keep your daughter and her buttery hands from getting anywhere near the couch.
You’ll even dive for the block if you have to.
5. You will realize how dirty your own house is.
Because kidless people don’t have to worry about the smudgie little handprints, a million mega blocks and crusty Play-Doh that decorates every crevice of your house, which you feel like you are ALWAYS cleaning.
6. You’ll feel like their walls or at least their fridge could use some finger paint artwork.
It looks so bare without a handprint turkey leftover from Thanksgiving or a bunny with a cotton ball tail. Who have you become?
7. If you do get into a conversation with a childless friend at the party, five minutes into it, your daughter will tug on you while announcing, “I need to go to the potty."
You realize you’ll probably have to finish the rest of that conversation in an email.
8. You’ll notice how loud your child is.
Especially when she yells something like, “I have a booger!” and turns all the heads in the room to see her dangling it over the hummus.
9. You’ll notice how white their furniture is.
And you’ll also notice how white your knuckles are watching your kid run around it.
10. You will give her your phone.
Regular screen time rules will be broken. You just need her to chill. You really need her to chill.
11. Someone will give your daughter candy/ice cream/cake/cookies.
It’s like having 40 aunties or uncles in the house who are no doubt very sweet and want to spoil your child just a little bit, but don’t have to deal with the consequences.
12. She will want to go home five minutes into the party.
Kids can smell “no-kid zones” a mile away. If they see too much white furniture, shelving with breakable objet d’art, or people wearing dry clean-only clothing, they’re ready to bounce within minutes.
13. Half way through or perhaps even 20 minutes into the party, you’ll wish you were at home in sweats and a T-shirt rolling around on the floor with your little boo.
And that’s usually where you thank the host, grab the little monkey, head home and do just that. It's so nice being in sweats and a T-shirt, eating cupcakes and watching "Toy Story 3"—no breakables in sight.