Having kids changes up your social
life. You still have one, but it looks much different than it did before. Instead
of drinks by the pool, it’s apple juice next to a bounce house and nights usually
end at around 11 p.m. Kidless outings are harder to come by these days, and you find
yourself carefully choosing the right one because it not only requires planning for
a babysitter, but also it has to be worth forgoing the sleep you rarely get anymore.
Most of the parties you now attend
are family-friendly, but sometimes you’re invited to a party by your friends
without kids to their otherwise kid-free party. You can’t get a babysitter, they
very kindly tell you “no worries” and to “bring your little one along.” Because
they’re cool like that, but also because they have noooo ideaaaaa what taking a
kid to a strictly-adult party entails. Your initial reaction is “no, it’s
alright,” but then after hearing that so many of your childless friends will be
there—friends you haven’t seen since the Great Kid Divide, you say, “sure,
we’ll come.” But then you get there and are quickly reminded why your gut was
saying “you’ll regret this!”
Here are 13 things that will happen when you try to
take your kids to a kidless party.
1. The only thing your kid will eat is buttered
bread from the baguette laid out on the table.
Oh wait, the most kid-friendly food in the spread, the
bread, was “too crusty.” So actually, your kid will just eat the butter off the
bread. Just spoonfuls of butter.
2. She will leave said buttered bread on top of a
very expensive coffee book titled something like, “Artwork by Dalmatians of
Which probably also
cost more than your own coffee table.
3. You will spend three-fourths of the time at the party in one
of the guest rooms of the house playing hide-and-seek or playing with the toys
your brought in your purse.
You sit in your hiding spot behind the bed while sadly stealing
bites of a canapé that you are holding in a napkin. You try not to feel sorry
4. You will spend the other one-fourth of the time playing goalie
to keep your daughter and her buttery hands from getting anywhere near the
You’ll even dive for the block if you have to.
5. You will realize how dirty your own house is.
Because kidless people don’t have to worry about the smudgie
little handprints, a million mega blocks and crusty Play-Doh that decorates
every crevice of your house, which you feel like you are ALWAYS cleaning.
way through or perhaps even 20 minutes into the party, you’ll wish you were at
home in sweats and a T-shirt rolling around on the floor with your little boo.
And that’s usually where you thank the host, grab the little
monkey, head home and do just that. It's so nice being in sweats and a T-shirt, eating cupcakes and watching "Toy Story 3"—no breakables in sight.