There is just something about having a baby that encourages people—most of the time, perfect freaking strangers—to tell you how parenting should be done. They just can’t help but give their two bits about what you are doing wrong or what you could be doing better.
Moms get tired of hearing it because “who the hell are you?” But you try to politely smile and refrain from throat-punching the wise, all-knowing stranger. You’d consider anything to not engage with that Nancy Know-It-All.
Well, how about a series of baby onesies you can put on your little one that preempts the annoying exchange with the overbearing stranger? We want onesies that say what you want to say without even opening your mouth, onesies that tell the judgmental stranger to back the hell off! Because, sheesh! Parenting is hard enough.
1. No, really, I’m not cold. My mom made sure I was just the right temperature.
2. If you’re not changing my diapers in the middle of the night, then zip it.
3. I assure you, my mom knows what I need much better than you do, weird stranger.
4. Judgmental people make me cry.
5. My mom doesn’t care what you did with your kid.
6. Whether I eat breast milk or formula, there is one common theme: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
7. Before you give unsolicited advice on feeding me, ask yourself, are you wearing my mom’s breasts?
8. Take your advice and shove it where your episiotomy happened.
9. If you touch my face, my mom will cut you.
10. Comment about my tantrum and I’ll just tantrum harder.
11. No, I’m not too young to be out in public. Don’t you have a life to live?
12. Keep calm, and also keep your opinions on my mom’s parenting to yourself.
13. Unsolicited parenting advice makes me projectile vomit.
14. When you give my mom unwanted parenting advice, a puppy dies.
15. I promise you won’t change my mom’s mind about breastfeeding, lady I’ve never seen before eating next to us at the food court.
16. Why don’t YOU cry it out.
17. If you think my tantrum is bad, you should see my mom when you comment on her parenting.
18. Hush, little stranger, don’t say a word.
19. If you can’t say “you’re an amazing mom,” don’t say anything at all.
20. If you want to tell my mom what you think is best for me, I’ll tell you what is best for you: Don’t.
21. You may be a grandma, but you’re not my grandma.
22. Sanctimommies suck.
23. No, I’m not teething. But I will bite you if you don’t quit harassing my mom with your unwanted parenting advice.
24. Just so we’re clear, my mom doesn’t discuss my penis with strangers.
25. I’m not crying because I’m hungry—in fact I just ate the last stranger who tried to tell my mom what was wrong with me. She tasted like beef jerky and judgment.
26. Yes, I’m wearing sunscreen. And in other news, go worry about your own life.
27. The harder you stare, the harder I scream while you try to enjoy your chicken piccata.
28. My mom’s sleep-deprived, her hormones are off, her milk just let down in her shirt and she has hemorrhoids. Give her a break.
20. I assure you, my mom loves me and is doing what she feels is best for me.
30. Mama knows best!