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10 Real Affirmations Moms Need to Hear

Photograph by Twenty20

We are being bombarded with positive quotes and daily affirmations everywhere. One scroll through my Instagram or Facebook feed and I'm being told how to love, be compassionate, let go, get motivated, go for more and be my best. But none of these quotes address how we really feel or speak to what moms really need to hear.

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Here’s my top 10 list of REAL affirmations for moms like us:

1. Today I will commit to each and every breath. As I inhale I imagine plumes of Ativan dust after a factory explosion wafting into my nostrils and relaxing each and every muscle. I will exhale with the strength that it took to push out my first crap after that week on pain-meds for my infected C-section.

Anything I want to change can be done so with in the care of a skilled plastic surgeon.

2. I will no longer allow the rage I feel toward my partner for just being … them … to strangle and murder every bit of joy from my day. Not that I had any to begin with.

3. For today, I drop the self-loathing that I experience upon waking because I have not read the New York Times, The New Yorker or anything except Facebook since the day with you were born.

4. My mantra for today is: I vow not to call my kids assholes. At least not to their faces.

5. I do not care how others perceive me. All that matters is my perception of myself and it feels good to be whatever the hell I want. Really good.

6. I release all shame for being that horrible, amoral mom in Whole Foods who let’s her kids eat up and down the aisles before paying for shit.

7. I repel the negativity that bubbles up in my soul when I see skinny mothers who don’t eat. Today I bless them. I speak softly and gently when I ask, "Who the fuck is your doctor?"

8. I am perfect the way I am. I say this with the deepest profound understanding that anything I want to change can be done so with in the care of a skilled plastic surgeon.

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9. God is great. God is good. And what he/she did not get right about the female’s post-baby-body, I can easily fix with savvy dressing and a great bra.

10. I am a Mother, the embodiment of Mother Earth, Earth Goddess and the baddest Mother Fucker on the Planet. You fuck with me and keep me on hold for more than five minutes when I'm calling in my refill for Wellbutrin at CVS and I'm coming after you and your family.

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