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Hilariously Real Mommy Mantras to Keep Us Sane

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Photograph by Twenty20

Being a mom is the hardest, most unpredictable job on the planet, and if everyone in Silicone Valley and Oprah needs to meditate at least once a day, we need to do it at least once every five minutes.

But how can you find inner peace when there’s a Lego stuck between your toes, or a booger in your hair? Perhaps even a screaming toddler pulling at your ear, or worse, a silent toddler who is probably organizing and sampling the treasures he found in the kitchen trash…

Now moms, I know it’s hard, but that’s exactly why you need to take a few minutes and repeat these mantras after me:


Why oh why didn’t I get blackout curtains?!


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I am your creator. I have given you free will. I trust you will use it well.

I also pray that you don’t hit me with that stick because I am too tired to defend myself.


Your madness is an expression of the creative genius of this universe. I embrace you, I embrace the madness, and I embrace this bottle of wine.

Because truth is so much easier to embrace when you’ve had a drink.


The unwashed laundry is a mere illusion. The stains on the clothing are a figment of my imagination.

The smell not so much.


The only tissue large enough to clean this web has yet to be women.


The Circle of Life has been turning for thousands of years, and will continue to turn for another thousands years.

If those moms could resist harming their kids, so can I.


Beer may be proof that God exists and loves us, but wine proves that she is a woman with kids.


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Every day in every way, you are getting one day closer to moving out and going to college.

All I have to do is keep biding my time.


Also, that we should clean the Legos before bed.


To be at peace, one must be like the bamboo. Stand tall, bend with the wind. Don’t crack.

Easy for you, bamboo! You don’t have kids!


I find infinite joy in this chaos.

I find infinite peace during naptime.


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