Have you ever started a discussion with your spouse that began in fun, playful jest and turned into a moment where you suddenly realized, "Holy shit. We're in a fight now, aren't we? This wasn't supposed to happen."
OK, a lot of you aren't going to like me or my side of the argument, and I get that… but hear me out.
I don't know how it started. I really don't. But for sake of this article, I believe I was getting dressed up for an event, and I was feeling pretty good about my look.
Me: "I'm looking pretty damn good right now, huh?"
Wife: I'm looking pretty good myself. Maybe I'll go out myself.
(At this point, you should all know that this is all playful. NEITHER MY WIFE NOR I ARE/WERE/OR WILL EVER really go out looking for some action. Are we clear on that? Good.)
This is where I believe it started to go downhill.
Me: Really? You're gonna go out yourself? That's bullshit. If you went out and cheated on me, it would be WAY WORSE than if I cheated on you.
SCREECH. HALT. AHHHHHH.
Wife: Excuse me? What the hell does that mean?
Me: I'm just sayin'… now clearly I would NEVER cheat on you… but if I did, it wouldn't be nearly as bad as if you cheated on me.
Wife: In what Universe?
Unfortunately, this is the brain that God gave me.
Me: OK, bear with me… I'm just saying… I am always willing to do "it" with you. (And yes, "it" means sex.) But you're not as game when it comes to me. So… And again, I would NEVER EVER do anything to break our bond of marriage, I swear, but if I did, it would make sense because I'm just going outside the marriage to fulfill a need that you're not excited to fulfill.
(pause… stare down…)
Wife: Are you as fucking stupid as you look?
Me: Yes. Clearly. But I'm not wrong.
Me: You see, if you went outside our marriage to fulfill your needs, that would be way worse. Because if you cheated on me, you'd be fulfilling a need which I am willing to give you every day of the week and twice on Sunday.
Wife: You have to be fucking kidding me?
Me: I am not. Unfortunately, this is the brain that God gave me.
Wife: You honestly believe this?
Me: Yes. But I obviously would never, ever, ever, ever do anything. I just stand by the fact that it would be worse if you ever cheated on me. I think it's a sound argument.
So, at that point, I think the conversation was over. I tried to kiss my wife goodbye before I left for the evening, but she was not interested in reciprocating.