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The Dumbest Thing I Ever Said to My Wife

Photograph by Twenty20

Have you ever started a discussion with your spouse that began in fun, playful jest and turned into a moment where you suddenly realized, "Holy shit. We're in a fight now, aren't we? This wasn't supposed to happen."

OK, a lot of you aren't going to like me or my side of the argument, and I get that… but hear me out.

I don't know how it started. I really don't. But for sake of this article, I believe I was getting dressed up for an event, and I was feeling pretty good about my look.

Me: "I'm looking pretty damn good right now, huh?"

Wife: You look very nice.

Me: Just sayin'… some ladies better watch out.

Wife: (laughing) Yeah… Good luck with that.

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Me: I'm just sayin'…

Wife: I'm looking pretty good myself. Maybe I'll go out myself.

(At this point, you should all know that this is all playful. NEITHER MY WIFE NOR I ARE/WERE/OR WILL EVER really go out looking for some action. Are we clear on that? Good.)

This is where I believe it started to go downhill.

Me: Really? You're gonna go out yourself? That's bullshit. If you went out and cheated on me, it would be WAY WORSE than if I cheated on you.


Wife: Excuse me? What the hell does that mean?

Me: I'm just sayin'… now clearly I would NEVER cheat on you… but if I did, it wouldn't be nearly as bad as if you cheated on me.

Wife: In what Universe?

Unfortunately, this is the brain that God gave me.

Me: OK, bear with me… I'm just saying… I am always willing to do "it" with you. (And yes, "it" means sex.) But you're not as game when it comes to me. So… And again, I would NEVER EVER do anything to break our bond of marriage, I swear, but if I did, it would make sense because I'm just going outside the marriage to fulfill a need that you're not excited to fulfill.

(pause… stare down…)

Wife: Are you as fucking stupid as you look?

Me: Yes. Clearly. But I'm not wrong.

Wife: Uh-huh.

Me: You see, if you went outside our marriage to fulfill your needs, that would be way worse. Because if you cheated on me, you'd be fulfilling a need which I am willing to give you every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Wife: You have to be fucking kidding me?

Me: I am not. Unfortunately, this is the brain that God gave me.

Wife: You honestly believe this?

Me: Yes. But I obviously would never, ever, ever, ever do anything. I just stand by the fact that it would be worse if you ever cheated on me. I think it's a sound argument.

So, at that point, I think the conversation was over. I tried to kiss my wife goodbye before I left for the evening, but she was not interested in reciprocating.

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So I thought it was over. It was all in good fun I thought.

Phone rings two hours later.

It's the wife. I answer.

Me: Hi, honey. How's it going?

Wife: I am so pissed off at you right now, you have no idea.

And it continued.

But now a month has passed, and I've been thinking about it, and I totally think I'm right.

And assuming that my wife is reading this, please don't make me sleep on the couch tonight. It's not comfortable and I'm 40 now and it hurts.

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