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What Your Bush Says About What Type of Mom You Are

Photograph by Twenty20

Forget the gray hair, wrinkles and inability to call up words on demand that comes with old age and motherhood. Sure, I may be getting early-onset Alzheimer’s, but what I’m really bummed about is my old lady bush.

You know how our hair thins out after having kids? I used to have the hairiest arms, and now they're just bald. I mean, I used to bleach my forearms with Jolene in high school! But now? Gone. Zero hair. Nothing. So it’s only natural that Mother Nature messed with my bush. (And just when '70s bushes are all the rage!) At first I chalked it up to the half-ass laser treatments I did more than 10 years ago, but now I realize it’s my age that’s keeping me looking like I’m perennially waxed, albeit by a semi-blind technician because it’s spotty and, well, a mess.

Every vagina tells a story, and very much like the way women can assume a man’s entire life story from the choice of his shoes, so too does a woman’s choice of coif send a message about who we are. So take note, because your vagina speaks, and every hair says a thousand words.

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1. The Trophy Wife

The Trophy Wife, otherwise known as The Brazilian, has been the rage for years. It’s the full commando. The big kahuna. Zero hair anywhere. My 10-year-old has more hair than this hairdo. What does it say? Look at this. Come at it because I’m clean, mean and ready. There is no pretending that this isn't to entice your lover to get on in there and check things out. Because this joint has a full-time staff tending to it and nary is there a speck of dust. Not to mention upkeep is $$$.

2. The Helicopter Mom

Also known as The Catwalk, Landing Strip or Fauxhawk. This is the two finger widths of hair that’s straight up and down and is the busy bee of pubic hair. No spilt milk or surprises here! It's biz upfront and biz in the back. Really, it's the business suit of pubic styles, and says, "I’m serious about getting shit done, and it's my way or the highway."

3. First in Line for Pickup

Also known as The Mustache, Fingerprint, Postage Stamp or "I can’t type his name, but that guy who killed all those Jews." This little patch does look like a lawn some kid mowed and missed a patch. It's Little Miss "I'm so cute and perfect and my sexuality is the size of a thumbprint." I also think looking at a vagina that recalls the wiping out of 6 million Jews puts a damper on things, don't you?

4. Prez of the PTA

This is your basic triangle. Wide at the top with a sharp point at the bottom. It's so predictable. This one raises its hand to take on everything asked of them. It's the control freak of pubic hair. It even has an an arrow pointing down, screaming "Orgasm This Way." It’s pushy.

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5. The Attachment Parenting

This is the unscathed bush. It screams, "I’m confident AF!" "Proceed at your own risk," "I make my own risk," "I make my own rules," and "No lifeguard on duty." Don't question me because I pushed a baby out of it, dammit, and I'll breastfeed until my kid is 8 if I want.

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