Here we go again. Christmas wish lists, dog-eared catalogues and tear sheets are strewn around every inch of my apartment—not-so-subtle hints of what's on my plate for the next few weeks. It's the usual array of requests from my 6-year-old boy and 10-year-old girl: Legos, art sets and an absurd spread of things too ridiculous to even consider (indoor jumpy, ping pong machine, massive trampoline).
Not that anyone ever asks me, but I decided to get crazy this year and create my own list of gift requests too. And no worries if no one gets them for me because they can’t be found in any catalogue or store. These items may not exist, but they sure are good and I think you’ll agree. Oh, and if you try to make any of these without talking to me first, they've all been copyrighted and patented so just ya know, don't even try it.
1. Sleep-Inducing Night Light
Yeah those stars on the ceiling are cool and all but really they're just keeping my kids up. I need a new kind of night light, one that will lull my kids into a trance-like state and keep them asleep for 10 hours. No middle-of-the-night or early wake ups either. Dreams really do come true with this one.
2. On Demand Nanny
No, no I'm not talking about a Sitter City type of situation. I'm talking a subscription to a nanny on demand who will come and take over whenever I've hit my limit. I just hit the app and within minutes there is a ring at the doorbell. Mary Friggin' Poppins appears and she just takes over. I'd love a prepaid monthly subscription for the next 10 years please, thanks.
3. The Cleaning Bot
OK this might exist already but not quite in this way. The bot will specifically be programmed for my kids' room. I'm thinking a cute little fuzzy type of thing that whips around the room and cleans while teaching the kids that cleaning is fun. It sings and tells terrible jokes and laughs at anything that comes out of the kids' mouths.
4. Whistle That Silences Whining
Oh wouldn't this be the best gift ever? As soon as your kids start to whine, you blow the magical whistle. Your kids' whines will be immediately silenced, totally undetected by our adult ears. The whistle just stops them in their whiney tracks before you need to start drinking.
5. The Self-Walking Dog Collar
Put this on your smelly dog and guess what, you just bought yourself 10 free minutes. All you do is slip this collar on your dog and it's pre-programmed to walk your dog safely around the block. The collar senses cars and any other trouble like a piece of chocolate on the ground or that annoying aggressive dog across the street.
6. Auto Toothbrush Kit
You know the bath bombs that you throw in the tub and suddenly there are suds everywhere? Well this is the gift that keeps on giving. Hello, cavity-free mouths! Just pop a brush bomb in your kids' mouth and it fizzes and scrubs away grime. And forget Bumble Gum and Grape flavors. NO ONE LIKES THOSE! These come in Oreo, Snickers and Mango Madness.
7. Homework Helper App
If you think I have a clue on how to do fifth-grade math you are wrong, my friend. This is probably the best gift of all time. Just open the app, type in the homework problem and voila ... A loving, calm and patient voice (think Siri's smarter sister) with a non-threatening, soothing tone, assists your teary eyed kid with all homework problems. She doesn't do the homework but rather guides and coaches with ease. She's the parent that you're incapable of being. And she may actually have the fortitude to coach your kid to college.