Excuse me, is that spit-up and breast milk on your old t-shirt you've been wearing to bed the past year? Probably.
If a mom is entangled in little children, chances are she hasn’t checked out what her sexual needs are since those little puppies exited her lady parts. If a mom is breastfeeding, add another few points in the "Don't touch me" category because she’s so damn tired of being touched all day long that she has forgotten what pure blissful sex is all together.
But it doesn't always have to be that way.
See, typically men get the bad rap of nagging their partners for sex constantly, while women get the bad rap of ignoring said advances. So, moms, in order to buck the stereotype, it's important to do some initiating yourself. Throw your partner off balance a little. Make the moves. Take the lead in the bedroom. You just might surprise yourself with how naughty you really are!
1. Grab Him By the Pack N’ Play
It couldn’t get more romantic than this. Simply grab your partner as he walks by with toddler in hand, place your infant in the Pack N’ Play, tell him to stick your toddler in front of "Shimmer and Shine," and then grab a quickie in the bathroom. Just don't forget to lock the door. When your toddler decides to inevitably knock, just tell her Daddy is fixing Mommy’s boo-boo and try to pretend you’re in the middle of some sexy 50 Shades scene, and not listening to "Shimmer and Shine" and your infant’s coos.
Don’t you feel like a sex goddess now?
2. Instigate in the Car During Nap Time
Your baby likes to sleep in the car only, right? You’re not alone.
Drive the baby around at night with your partner and once your baby falls asleep, pull over and pray your baby doesn’t wake up.
Then have sex in the car, and pray the cops don’t come.
If the cops come, tell them your situation. Most likely, they’ll feel bad for you two crazy kids.
Instead of the hot passionate love you imagined yourself making, you guys have a quickie, and then look for dinner.
3. Rent a Hotel
Invite over Grandma and Grandpa to watch the kids and head to a hotel to pretend you're two wild and horny teenagers.
You packed a bag full of sexy items, but when you get there you realize you forget half of the lingerie you had planned. And your partner forgets to buy a bottle of wine.
And Grandma keeps texting to ask the most inane questions about watching the kids that you want to scream.
So you put the phone on vibrate—you can't leave it on silent in case of an emergency—and start to make out on the bed in your half lingerie, and proceed to have sex through various timed vibrations and requests to FaceTime from your kids.
Instead of the hot passionate love you imagined yourself making, you guys have a quickie, and then look for dinner. You both felt faint midway through your quickie when you both realized neither of you had eaten since lunchtime.
4. Schedule in Advance
Because you've heard "Mommy, Mommy" so many times that day that you're exhausted, don't remember your middle name and are about ready to tell your kids, "Mommy isn't here anymore," you ask your partner via text if he would like to arrange sex after the kids are asleep that night.
He eagerly says yes, and so you send your invite via Google calendar and instead of it reaching your partner, it reaches your child's teacher who has to wonder why she's getting an invite to "Sex" for a whopping half-hour from one of her student's parents.
Oh well, at least you tried.
5. Make the Ultimatum
It's Sunday night football but the kids are asleep so you figure now is as good as time as any to ask for sex.
So you gracefully say, "It's sex or football tonight," and hold your breath wondering what the answer will be.
6. Take the Challenge During Co-Sleeping
Your kid is asleep along the majority of you and your partner's bed. Your butt is "asleep" on an inch of mattress and your partner is mostly hanging off the bed on the other side. You decide to have sex in the closet or on the bedroom floor, keeping one eye on the blankets you're using to hide yourself and the other eye on the kid in case he or she wakes up.
Meanwhile neither of you go back to sleep that night.
Super sexy, right?