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10 Signs You're A Parent On Date Night

Photograph by Twenty20

I see you. Yes, you.

The parent masquerading as a carefree 20-something out on the town, without a care in the world, let alone the looming responsibility of college tuition and you know, the horror that is potty training. But you don't fool me. I know who you are. I know that you're out there, prancing around on "date night," pretending for just a moment that you're just a normal adult, instead of what you really are:

A parent.

But even though you're out there pretending and even though you've managed to escape the kids for a few hours and even though you're actually holding your partner's hand like you (gasp!) like each other, you're not fooling me. Because there are some dead giveaways that you're a parent on date night, such as....

1. A portion of the evening's agenda will include a stop at the grocery store.

Did I order groceries online from my phone on our way to the restaurant during our date night? Maybe I did and maybe I didn't. That's for me to know and my credit card to find out.

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2. There may or may not be a significant discussion involving purchasing some new throw pillows.

I mean, if we're here anyways, can I just take a teensy, tiny, little peek at the pillows?

3. One of you will most definitely smack the other for falling asleep during the movie.

First one to fall asleep wins!

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4. The highlight of your evening will be the moment you realize you can get out of the car and not unbuckle anyone else.

Blissful, blissful freedom.

5. You smile a secret, knowing smile at each other when you see newbies out with their baby.

#amateurs. Seriously. They are sooooo cute.

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6. You have a strict dress code.

Your outfit selection will be determined based on the following criteria: Absence of food from a mouth that is not yours, free from spit-up, and relatively unwrinkled, considering the fact that it spent four days in a laundry basket before you put it on because no one ain't got time for hanging up clothes.

7. You will purposely plan your date night, even though both of you are exhausted, solely in order to escape bedtime.

Is it past 8 o'clock yet? It's not?! Holy crap, is this the night that never ends or what? I'm not tired, are you tired?

8. You will stall in the emergency situation that your plans end early, avoiding any chance that your offspring will be awake when you get back.

Still not past 8 o'clock? I mean, is the clock broken?!

9. You almost forget you're driving a minivan.

Until you roll into the club and park, that is. And by club, I mean the grocery store for that "quick stop" you just had to make. Please see #1.

10. You talk about how much you actually love your minivan.

"I mean, really, my buns are so cozy with these heated seats, are yours? Parents who think they are above minivans are totally missing out." Also, the need for gallant gestures such as opening your door for you aren't even necessary because you now have a button for that.

OK, so is it past bedtime yet or what?

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