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It happened late one Friday evening as my 9-year-old and 11-year-old sons and I lay
cuddled together in bed watching YouTube videos and talking.
“Oh, Mommy!” my oldest son said. “My friends at school said
they saw you on YouTube.”
Gulp. Oh crap.
“Which video did they see?” I asked cautiously, holding my
“They said they saw you with your bra on in the mirror
putting on makeup, and they saw you singing loud into the remote control.”
“Is that all?” I
asked. My son nodded and laughed.
I used the wisdom I gained from studying to become a
counselor—fused with my own brand of inspiration—to make videos about what got
me through the rough patches in life. On the flip side, my YouTube channel is also
where I let loose and tell my personal story; my fears, hopes, and confusion.
Needless to say, my sons have seen some of my videos, but I have never allowed them to watch the videos about the "evolving me." That's the me that is still growing up; the me that uncovered as an adult what I knew
all my life—I am attracted to women.
I had never shared this with them because I didn’t feel they
needed to know. I didn’t have a girlfriend to introduce to them or anything
like that, so I let it slide until that fateful night two years ago. I had no
idea if their friends would discover the videos of me talking about what it was
like to expand my horizons and I didn’t want them to find out that way.
“Well, there’s something I want to tell you,” I said to my
boys. They perked up a bit probably expecting some funny story. “Um, you know
Mommy likes girls, right?”
Their eyes met mine in kind of a trance as though they were
trying to figure out a puzzle.
“You like girls,” my oldest son repeated.
“Yes. I do.”
“How do you feel about that?” I asked.
My younger son spoke first, “It makes me sad, Mommy.”
“Because that means you don’t like men.”
“But I do like men,” I lied. Well, it wasn’t completely a
lie. Sometimes I am attracted to them
physically, but emotionally I can’t say that I do. I don’t fantasize about
getting married to a man and I don’t expect to be in a long-term relationship
with one. I don’t usually feel emotionally safe when I’m with men.
“Oh,” my younger son said and went back to watching videos like nothing ever happened.
“You can like both men and women and be okay. It’s really
about who loves me the best,” I shared.
“Oh,” my younger son said and went back to watching
videos like nothing ever happened.
Most people think that women who love women do so because
they have been hurt by men in the past. It’s true I have been in relationships
that weren’t healthy for me—which caused me to see men as predators instead of
people—but that has nothing to do with the basis for my attraction to women.
I love women on a heart level. I feel that they should be
taken care of, supported, and praised for their role in giving life to this
earth. My attraction to women, on a
sexual level, has only happened three times in my life, and just like men can’t
control who makes their pants grow a tent, I can’t control who gives me
butterflies in my stomach. It’s that simple, really. On occasion, I’ll meet a woman and I’ll have
this feeling of wanting to know her and be there for her, to care for her and
make sure she’s smiling every day.
It’s very rare for me to feel sincere attraction to a
particular woman, but the pure love in my heart for all women and my disdain
for how they are treated in this society pushes me to show my love for them in
the most creative ways. I have dedicated my career to helping them to love
themselves and offering my support financially and emotionally. So, yes, I
could love a woman romantically but the real way Mommy knows that she loves
women is because she wants to make sure their dreams come true.
“So, Mommy,” my 11-year-old inquired a few months later, “Can you teach me how to get girls?”
“Sure, Boo,” I quipped, “That’s what Moms are for.”