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Pooping, Amazon Prime and 7 Other Things You Should Never Do In Front Of Your Husband

Photograph by Twenty20

They say honesty is the best policy. Whoever said that was probably never married.

See, I’ve been married for nearly 12 years and we've been together for 17. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned during my time in matrimony, it’s that you don’t need to share everything with your spouse.

I know some people think the key to marriage is 100% disclosure and the ability to share all experiences with your partner. But after enough years of bearing witness to your spouse passing gas after Indian food, you realize not everything needs to be shared in sickness and in health.

After enough time together you long for a little mystery. You can’t un-see certain things, like that random chin hair that camps out on your face every six weeks. The hubs can’t un-see you plucking it. So wait until he’s asleep. No, the sight of it won’t end your marriage. But a little newness and mystery never hurt any married couple.

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Likewise, there isn’t a mom on the planet who isn’t juggling work, kid’s schedules, her own schedule, feeding the family, getting homework done, changing diapers and her own sanity. Sometimes we moms cut corners, spend a little more than we were supposed to, or just fly by the seat of our pants, all in the name of getting the business of the family done and on time.

So while I’d never suggest one should lie to their spouse, I am suggesting that some secrets keep marriage alive. Here are just a few:

Pooping

Howard Stern used to joke about having separate bathrooms from his wife because he didn’t want to see or hear her go poop. I’m with Howard. A closed door means I’m doing my business. I don’t need an audience. And no, I don’t want to watch the hubs do his business either. It’s bad enough I have to see my children do theirs.

Amazon Prime

I’ll take my Amazon password to the grave for one specific reason: I never need the hubs to really know how many times I had to pay for expediting shipping on school supplies or birthday presents, nor does he need to know just how many times I caved and got the kids Num Noms or those silly Shopkins just because. I’m not breaking the family budget, but I am getting our family’s business done. All with the help of my beloved Amazon Prime.

Starbuck’s Bill

Sure, I could make tea or coffee at home, but who wants to? So despite Starbuck’s being an extra expense that really doesn’t need to happen, I don’t always comply. Sometimes a mom just needs some adult human interaction and a fresh cup of Joe.

The point is they look cute and clean. The rest is just between me and my credit card statements.

Trimming Your Bush

The hubs may love the view of your newly trimmed beaver, but it doesn’t mean he has to watch you do it. And by the way, if he’s a bush trimmer or a ball shaver himself, he can do that without you witnessing the scalping of his genitalia. Trust me, you’ll enjoy the view much more afterward if you didn’t have to see the masterpiece being made.

Changing A Tampon

Still after all these years, I don’t need to the hubs to see the changing of the tampons. It’s not always a delicate activity and it’s occasionally messy (I know it’s not just me!), so why share the gore?

The Price Of Beauty

Whenever I come from the hair salon, the hubs can’t get over how good I look. Likewise, a great manicure goes a long way to make an outfit look complete. That said, there’s a price to beauty and that price is high. So the price of my beauty regime is one of those unspoken things in our house that never needs mentioning. We both just enjoy the results and I keep the details to myself.

Internet Search History

Don’t worry, I’m not searching for anything dirty or illegal, but I do waste entirely too much time looking up random things on the Internet. Like I spent 30 minutes yesterday reading about the tailor who made Harry Styles’ pink suit that that he wore on The Today Show. And just the other day, I Googled around until I found out what ever happened to the cast of "Herman’s Head." But my kids still got picked up on time and I still got all my work done, so no one really needs to know just how much time I waste on the ‘net.

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The Real Price Of Kid’s Clothes

In my house, I’m entirely responsible for clothing my offspring. Sometimes that means I don’t have a ton of time to find what they need since they seem to grow out of their clothes overnight. And then there’s the occasional “It was so cute I just had to” purchase. I still stick to my budget, but I don’t always share the real cost of that adorable romper my daughter is wearing or that cute sweater my son can’t enough of. The point is they look cute and clean. The rest is just between me and my credit card statements.

Screen Time For The Kids: The Real Number

During the workweek, I’m the predominant caretaker for our kids because my schedule is more flexible than my husband’s. And while we have a no screen time during the week rule, I don’t always stick to that. Sometimes, I just need to check out and that requires the kids to check out. Hopefully their brains aren’t rotting too badly.

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