They say honesty is the best policy. Whoever said that was
probably never married.
See, I’ve been
married for nearly 12 years and we've been together for 17. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned during
my time in matrimony, it’s that you don’t need to share everything with your
I know some people think the key to marriage is 100%
disclosure and the ability to share all experiences with your partner. But after enough years of bearing witness to
your spouse passing gas after Indian food, you realize not everything needs to
be shared in sickness and in health.
After enough time together you long for a little
mystery. You can’t un-see certain
things, like that random chin hair that camps out on your face every six
weeks. The hubs can’t un-see you
plucking it. So wait until he’s asleep.
No, the sight of it won’t end your marriage. But a little newness and
mystery never hurt any married couple.
Likewise, there isn’t a mom on the planet who isn’t juggling
work, kid’s schedules, her own schedule, feeding the family, getting homework
done, changing diapers and her own sanity. Sometimes we moms cut corners,
spend a little more than we were supposed to, or just fly by the seat of our
pants, all in the name of getting the business of the family done and on time.
So while I’d never suggest one should lie to their spouse,
I am suggesting that some secrets keep marriage alive. Here are just a few:
Howard Stern used to joke about having
separate bathrooms from his wife because he didn’t want to see or hear her go
poop. I’m with Howard. A closed door means I’m doing my business. I don’t need
an audience. And no, I don’t want to
watch the hubs do his business either.
It’s bad enough I have to see my children do theirs.
I’ll take my Amazon password to the grave for
one specific reason: I never need the hubs to really know how many times I had
to pay for expediting shipping on school supplies or birthday presents, nor
does he need to know just how many times I caved and got the kids Num Noms or
those silly Shopkins just because. I’m
not breaking the family budget, but I am getting our family’s business done.
All with the help of my beloved Amazon Prime.
Sure, I could make tea or coffee at home, but
who wants to? So despite Starbuck’s being an extra expense that really doesn’t
need to happen, I don’t always comply.
Sometimes a mom just needs some adult human interaction and a fresh cup
The point is they look cute and clean. The rest is just between me and my credit
Trimming Your Bush
The hubs may love the view of your newly trimmed beaver, but it doesn’t mean he has to watch you do it.
And by the way, if he’s a bush trimmer or a ball shaver himself, he can do that
without you witnessing the scalping of his genitalia. Trust me, you’ll enjoy the view much more
afterward if you didn’t have to see the masterpiece being made.
Changing A Tampon
Still after all these years, I don’t need to
the hubs to see the changing of the tampons.
It’s not always a delicate activity and it’s occasionally messy (I know
it’s not just me!), so why share the gore?
The Price Of Beauty
Whenever I come from the hair salon, the hubs
can’t get over how good I look. Likewise, a great manicure goes a long way to
make an outfit look complete. That said, there’s a price to beauty and that
price is high. So the price of my beauty
regime is one of those unspoken things in our house that never needs
mentioning. We both just enjoy the
results and I keep the details to myself.
Don’t worry, I’m not
searching for anything dirty or illegal, but I do waste entirely too much time
looking up random things on the Internet.
Like I spent 30 minutes yesterday reading about the tailor who made
Harry Styles’ pink suit that that he wore on The Today Show. And just the other day, I Googled around
until I found out what ever happened to the cast of "Herman’s Head." But my kids still got picked up on time and I
still got all my work done, so no one really needs to know just how much time I
waste on the ‘net.
In my house, I’m entirely responsible for clothing my offspring.
Sometimes that means I don’t have a ton of time to find what they need since
they seem to grow out of their clothes overnight. And then there’s the occasional “It was so
cute I just had to” purchase. I still stick to my budget, but I don’t always
share the real cost of that adorable romper my daughter is wearing or that cute
sweater my son can’t enough of. The point is they look cute and clean. The rest is just between me and my credit
Screen Time For The
Kids: The Real Number
workweek, I’m the predominant caretaker for our kids because my schedule is
more flexible than my husband’s. And
while we have a no screen time during the week rule, I don’t always stick to
that. Sometimes, I just need to check out and that requires the kids to check
out. Hopefully their brains aren’t rotting too badly.