I had a huge crush on a boy in high school—he knew, but we never talked about it. He was tall with green eyes and would smile at me across math class. I tried to play it cool, but a few nights after we graduated high school, we kissed at a friends house, and honestly, I was a goner. That summer we had a few more romantic interludes. Well, as romantic as you can get when you are kissing in the back of your best friend's car, both smelling of cheap beer and cigarettes.
Our short-lived summer romance ended when we both went to college. Other than two phone calls over the next three year,s we never saw or spoke again but he was always THAT guy I wondered about. Even as a married woman, when he floated into my mind, it felt a little dangerous and I believed there was a reason I never ran into him despite knowing he only lived a few towns away.
But things changed a few months ago when we both found ourselves single again for the first time in about 20 years. We had been in touch on social media for a bit after discovering we were both single again. After agreeing to go out on a date after he asked a few times, I felt very nervous. I wasn't sure if I kept saying no to him because l was afraid of what would happen, or I was afraid of what wouldn't happen. I wasn't sure if our chemistry would still be there and it might be kind of a let down it it wasn't.
But at the same time, I was nervous about those old feelings coming back for me but not for him.
After my best friend said, "It will be great because there is already a comfort level there. It's like practicing for the dating world," I began to relax a bit. That point of view took my nerves away, then I started telling myself it wasn't possible to still hold something for a boy who used to make me swoon over a quarter century ago.
And then I saw him. He looked the same and instantly I was 17 again.
And then we hugged, and just like that first kiss so long ago, I was a goner.
He smelled the same, he felt the same, his voice was the same and in one second I went from thinking it would be a fun, easy date, to wanting to get him in the back seat of my car as soon as possible.
I had visions of kissing him with his hands all over my body. I wanted him and it was all I could think about as the hostess was seating us and setting silverware in front of me. I couldn't even read the menu I was gripping. I started chewing my ice. I could tell I was coming unhinged and I didn't care, not even a little bit.
Maybe this all feels so wonderful it's because there's no pressure to do the relationship thing. Maybe it's because we both had feelings for each other so long ago.
While we didn't do anything other than talk over a few drinks and dinner that Saturday night, I have seen him since, many times. The chemistry was too thick to ignore, so we didn't.
On our second date we made out in the front seat of my car in a parking lot. It was so much better than it was all those years ago.
I can be free with him. Sometimes I send a quick "I need you right now, the kids are at their dad's," text and he is there in minutes.
We have spend nights having mind-blowing sex for hours and it has been amazing and I don't feel the need to turn off the lights or drape myself with a sheet every second. Having a man see you naked after you have birthed a few kids and you know full well your body is not the same one he used to see and touch when you both were much younger has not held me back the way I though it would.
I don't care about my stomach or breasts sagging. And guess what? Neither does he, not even a little bit.
There is an element of comfort there because we have lots to talk about; old times, old friends and our old makeout sessions. But it's new, fresh and exciting at the same time. We're both older and we know what we want, say what we like and are on the same level in the bedroom.
And since we've both been through a divorce recently and have been hurt in a lot of ways, this no-strings-attached sex has been healing. There are no explanations, no apologies, just us taking care of one another in a way that feels right.
We're both busy with our careers and our kids. We both run a household and understand when the other doesn't have any time. But when the stars are aligned and we're able to find the time to come together (which is a few times a week), we make it count.
Maybe this all feels so wonderful because there's no pressure to do the relationship thing. Maybe it's because we both had feelings for each other so long ago.
Or maybe it's because there's nothing wrong with making another person feel good and letting it be what it is without feeling rushed to make a decision about being committed or meeting each others' children. Whether we decide to take it to the next level or not, there's plenty of time to figure it out.
But for now, I'm enjoying the hell out of this experience without an ounce of guilt or feeling like I need to explain myself about just wanting to have sex with him and it feeling like it's enough.
I'm a woman who wants to be desired and valued and he does both. In fact, he's on his way to my house right now. The kids are gone, the candles are lit and I just got some very sexy underwear I can't wait to wear.
Let the healing begin.
*Editorial note: the writer name is a pseudonym. The mom who wrote this post wishes to remain anonymous.