It would be an insult to call Tara Wood an average mother. She is a freelance writer, published author and mom to seven children who range in age between 2 and 16. This hilarious mom shares anecdotes with fans on her Facebook page, and her latest post is leaving tear stains all over the internet from people who simply cannot stop laughing.
The post begins with an apology from the overworked and weary mom.
"Our dog was hit by a car last Saturday and had to have a hind leg amputated," she wrote. "His remaining hind leg was pretty mangled, too, so he's had to have his wounds cleaned and bandaged every day."
My apologies for not being around much this week. Our dog was hit by a car last Saturday and had to have a hind leg amputated. His remaining hind leg was pretty mangled, too, so he's had to have...
She then goes on to explain how life just delivered “some super f--kery.” According to Wood, as her 12-year-old daughter Mia was running to catch the school bus, she announced that she smelled something burning.
"I noticed it, too," wrote the anxiety-ridden mom. "It smelled like plastic melting.”
And so, like any good mother, Wood scanned the interior of her family home for the mysterious would-be fire.
Toaster? Check. Flat iron? All good.
Photograph by Facebook
Though the house appeared to be entirely flame retardant, she still had not identified the source of the burning odor. It was time to wake her sleeping husband, Garrett, and alert him to any potential hazards.
“And I was (like), 'B-tch, something is burning in this house and there are six kids and a hobbled dog, and we all need to escape right now. Put on your pants and help me not die, would you?'"
She then began “running from room to room like a mouse on meth” until she located a single gym sock hanging from a light fixture.
“I looked up and saw a sock—one of Leo’s socks—smoldering and melting onto the bulb of the ceiling light fixture,” she wrote after retrieving it from the fixture using Marigold's (her youngest daughter's) doll.
Her story continues, capturing the essence of her mood:
"So then I was all, 'Oh my God, holy sh-t, what is even happening, Leo? Your sock is about to catch our house on fire! Why in the hell is your stank-ass sock on the light fixture? We could have had a sock fire!"
Leo's response: "'Sock Fire' would be a cool band name."
And then comes the lecture.
“I was all, ‘You understand that this could have been catastrophic, right? And yes that would be a cool band name, but right now I need you to open the windows and windmill your arms around because the smell is all in my mouth, and I just washed my hair and Imma be pissed if I smell like a bonfire today!”
Afterward, Wood went outside—most likely to get a breath of fresh air and cool off—to find Marigold clutching a dead squirrel and not wanting to let it go.
"He wasn't frightened and was allowing her affection," Wood wrote, "because he was dead as f--k."
She then placed the squirrel in a plastic bag and gave her daughter "a quick bleach scrub down." And all of this happened before 7 a.m.
“And that’s how life reminds you that s--t can always be weirder, so just, like, roll with it,” she wrote.
When chewing gum inevitably gets somewhere it's not supposed to be (for example, your kid's hair), try not to panic. Instead, reach for an ice cube. Gum’s adhesive properties are dependent on it maintaining a flexible molecular structure, so clamping the gum between two ice cubes for a minute will freeze it and make that structure more rigid. At that point, it’s simple to just scrape it away with a butter knife.