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Having a baby changes your life. Big time. And new dad Matt Coyne isn't one to sugarcoat the truth. After welcoming his first son, Charlie, a few months ago, the British dad decided to recount all he's learned in the first three months for those that still don't know about the Dark Side that is newborn days in a hilarious Facebook post that's quickly gone viral.
Dropping knowledge about "The Birth":
"I used to think that the theory that the moon landing was a hoax was total bollocks, just because it required a huge amount of people to share a secret. I now think it's a distinct possibility given the conspiracy of silence about how horrendous labour is ... The labour suite is like being in 'Nam ... It is nothing like you see in sitcoms or film ... unless that film is 'Saw IV,' combined with the chest bursting scene from 'Alien.' So, to those who told me that the birth would be a magical experience ... you're a bunch of f*cking liars. ... Labour is like magic ... but only in that its best when you don't know how it's done."
Some gems about the first week:
"I never knew this ... but babies breath in a jazz syncopated rhythm ... There is no set pattern to it and they stop breathing roughly every 40 seconds just long enough for you to think they've died ... Of all the dick moves your baby can pull, pretending that they've died is by far the most dickish and they do it all the time."
"A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime, you can listen to it and think that it's endearing and cute. ... At 3 a.m., it's like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking."
"Every item of clothing is held together with f*cking press-studs. There are three or four more press-studs than necessary just to make you look like a moron in front of your child ... who shows their disapproval by endlessly windmilling ... Dressing a windmilling baby is like trying to put a rabbit in a f*cking balloon. When you tell them to stay still they ignore you or scratch their own face. They're mental.
"(I'm thinking of launching a range of baby clothing that is all velcro, based on strippers' trousers. You should be able to just hold a baby in one hand, the clothes they're wearing in the other and just separate the two with a satisfying rip ... )"
"Its only when you've just got a baby to sleep that you realise how loud your house is ... I thought our home was pretty quiet and sedate but it turns out we have a bathroom tap that sounds like Godzilla f*cking a tank."
And the ultimate truth he's realized three months in:
"He is, without reservation, the greatest thing that has ever happened to us both."
We'd say he's pretty much nailed it, wouldn't you?