It's not unheard of for a mom to leave a to-do list for Dad or some other caretaker while she's away—especially if she's normally the primary caretaker during the week.
But there are instructions, and then there are INSTRUCTIONS. And when Meghan Maza Oeser, mom of four, was going away for a girls' weekend with her friends, she made sure to give her husband ALL. THE. TIPS.
Basically, Meghan is our spirit animal.
She starts out her letter by explaining that she's sharing all of this "out of love, not fear" and that she wanted to just "go over a few things" before leaving him alone with what she affectionately calls "the others." Are you already dying of laughter?
Meghan doesn't mince words when she lets him know right off the bat: "Nighttime, daytime, breakfast time and somewhere around lunchtime can easily be mistaken for pure HELL, with Satan coming off as a My Little Pony in comparison."
But she's just trying to help a guy out, right?
The letter then delves into all of the mundane, annoying, makes-us-lose-our-minds pieces of the day that every parent who deals with multiple little children with a million little demands knows about.
She warns him about their daughters fighting over who is Elsa and who is Anna: "It's most likely that Quinn will be pissed off about Penny wearing her Elsa dress, and Penny equally pissed off because Quinn will ONLY refer to her as 'Anna.'"
She then moves on to describing the hell that is dinnertime with kids to a T (seriously, who hasn't experienced this EXACT same dinner?!): "Bailey will want pizza, while Harper will ask for hotdogs. Quinn will cry when you say the word 'hotdog,' and will insist on mac 'n' cheese (but not the orange kind or the white kind, but the purple kind). We'll be fresh out of the purple kind, so she'll then ask for toast. You'll already have started making mac 'n' cheese for Penny, but since she heard Quinn ask for toast, she'll also want that toast ... Everyone will eat cereal for dinner."
And has there ever been a more succinct and accurate representation of the time of day all parents hate the most?
"Bedtime ... Good. Fucking. Luck, buddy."
Because, lest he not understand, kids have major opinions about bedtime outfits. MAJOR. And if you don't follow the rules, they will break you until you're just laying there in fetal position praying for the sun to rise.
“Pajamas. FUCK pajamas. Don’t even ATTEMPT anything but a nightgown for Penny. And if you cannot find a nightgown for Penny, keep fucking looking. She’ll ask for her Minnie Mouse nightgown, but once you put it on, she’ll scream in agony because the sleeves are CLEARLY ripping her fucking arms off. Just find her Elsa one. Chances are, it’s dirty as shit, but so what … so is she. I can’t remember the last time I put soap to that one.”
Seriously, don't get it wrong, buddy. We all know it just prolongs the inevitable.
Meghan concludes her epic note with a loving summary of exactly why he won't be able to relax all weekend:
"Oh, also ... just in case you wanted to get ANYTHING done this weekend ... good fucking luck. Quinn cries basically every 5 minutes, and you would think that Penny's esophagus was on certain fire every 4.5 seconds. She'll need constant refills, which leads to more potty breaks. Sometimes she can go by herself, and sometimes she's completely useless and will whine about everything. Including, but not limited to, her underwears feeling funny. Have backup underwears. Oh, and since you made me get rid of most every sippy cup, leaving me with 2 ... she'll lose those. Good fucking luck finding them."
The hilariously helpful wife posted her letter on Facebook and it's been going crazy viral with over 121,000 shares and counting—and it's easy to see why.
We hope she had an amazing weekend of peace and quiet.
Photograph by: Meghan Maza Oeser