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Chicken and 'Sexy' Colonel Sanders For Mother's Day Gift?

Photograph by Instagram

Original gifts? Fine. Original recipe gifts? Don't even think about it. There are better—better tasting, more thoughtful, less, um, cringe-worthy—ways to convey your love for Mom than a bucket of greasy KFC chicken and a side of hot romance, featuring the white-suited Colonel himself.

KFC hopes that thousands of people will keeping showing the love in by ordering up a bucket or two. While it sounds crazy, the chain actually gets a 40 percent sale bump on Mother's Day.

With that in mind, they’re trying to (ahem) go all the way with a bonus gift: a steamy romantic novella for Mom. If your stomach isn’t turning yet, it gets better. George Felix, the restaurant’s U.S. director of advertising, thinks moms are really going to love this gift.

“The only thing better than being swept away by the deliciousness of our Extra Crispy Chicken is being swept away by Harland Sanders himself,” Felix says. “Dinner is taken care of, and she’ll have the time to escape her busy schedule.”

Aw, honey, you shouldn’t have. (Really. Just don't.)

Why not? Well, let’s start with the idea that KFC is how you discover time to escape. Moms go the fast food route and then beat themselves up about it afterward. A recent survey published on Today’s Parent said that a quarter of respondents felt guilty about their kids’ fast food consumption (42 percent also said they spend too much money on eating at restaurants, period).

So, you’re probably not winning any gold medals even IF there are 11 herbs and spices in the closely guarded recipe.

It’s also perhaps not the ultimate way to convey depthless appreciation. “Here, I went through a drive-thru and grabbed you a 20-piece” seems a little—casual—in terms of letting the woman who gave kids know how much she means to you.

None of this is to say that Mother’s Day tributes need to be lavish and spendy. According to the National Retail Foundation, almost 70 percent of those celebrating the occasion will buy flowers and about 45 percent will go for gift cards. Macaroni jewelry and construction paper cards are always win, too. But is it too much to suggest that a gift should reflect more thought than, “Would she prefer mashed potatoes or wedges?”

And that nausea-inducing idea of a sex book featuring Colonel Sanders! It’s steamy… and Sanders-y. These qualities should never, ever be encountered in the same thought (unless the word “biscuits” is also involved). And yet, "Tender Wings of Desire" exists. As an actual book. Meant to be read.

This surefire classic contains literary sizzle like, “She felt as if she were a woman on fire, feverish in the best way possible, and something seemed to take her over when he deepened the kiss."

Are you picturing the Colonel jumping the bones of our heroine, Lady Madeline? Is that adding to your sensual enjoyment?

Or how about this? “They were so consumed that it took every ounce of their restraint not to give into the first right then and there. The flames would continue to rage throughout the night until the fire was too much, and at last they could let it engulf them.”

Again, which of us can read that an NOT envision the torrid lovemaking of goatee-wearing, white summer suit-sporting Colonel Sanders. Super-hot, right?

In fairness, KFC recently recast their spokesman with hot-since-back-in-the-day Rob Lowe, famous for movies like "The Outsiders" and "St. Elmo's Fire," and TV shows like "The West Wing" and "Parks and Rec." Rob Lowe, who was also No. 68 on Glamour Magazine’s 100 Sexiest Men of 2017.

Perhaps we’ve got the wrong idea and the Colonel has evolved, become a modern, more studly version of his former self, one that more closely matches the idea of a romance novel hero?

Thinking that’s still an extra-large bucket of nope.

Therefore, please consider this a public service announcement to anyone still planning their Mother’s Day festivities and thinking that serving up all the Colonel’s best will fill that special woman’s heart with joy and, for spouses/significant others, some notion of post-holiday sex-based payback. That is not going to happen—potentially ever again—if you follow through with this dumbass plan.

Save yourself the heartburn and the $1 download fee for the book. Just go with the flowers.

No one, least of all Mom, wants anything to do with this, well, original recipe for Mother’s Day.

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