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The First Jerk Your Kid Will Ever Know

Today, as my daughter stood holding her drooping smiley-face kickball that our dog had just "accidentally" punctured with her teeth, I realized our unruly collie mix is teaching her valuable lessons about dealing with jerky people.

Lots of valuable lessons. How? Because your dog is the first jerk your kid will ever know (and love).

Here's a list of similarities between your dog and a jerky person:

Image via Brigitte Dale

1. They find it impossible to be quiet while you're sleeping

A dog will keep quiet when it's sleepy time, unless there is an emergency. Emergencies include neighbors bringing in their trashcans, squirrels on the roof and UPS men entering a 4-block radius of your home. Think of this as good preparation for your child's future inconsiderate college roommate. White noise is your friend.

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2. They eat food off your plate while you aren't looking

Much like a jerky friend who insists they don't want to chip in on the appetizer because they're "not that hungry," and then snarfs half your mozzarella sticks while you're in the restroom, your dog is not to be trusted around your food unless under close supervision.

3. They accidentally break your stuff and don't have any money to replace it

The tail, the snout, the teeth and the tongue: all unapologetically clumsy parts of a dog. While a dog may look really surprised and sorry when he breaks something, he will never ever offer to pay to replace it. So keep your nice things out of reach.

Image via Brigitte Dale

4. They only listen to you when they want something

If you're a toddler unsteadily carrying an ice cream cone, a dog is a loyal companion, glued to your side and sending you endless love via the most intense dog gaze ever. Just remember this love and loyalty lasts exactly until the ice cream is gone.

5. They insist in doing everything first

Whether it's going out the door, into the car or down the sidewalk, dogs are like that jerky person in the comments section of your favorite blog who's always yelling "First!" They teach us to care less about being first when it doesn't matter, and when it does matter, to be super fast.

6. They don't take responsibility for messes

Have you ever seen a dog try remove its hair from a couch with a lint roller ? No, you haven't. And let's not even get started about what happens in the backyard. Being friends with a mess-maker can be hard work.

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7. They play the pity card to get what they want

Lucky for dogs, puppy dog eyes are quite effective on a puppy of any age. And that's just one of the reasons your dog will be the most lovable (and cutest and fuzziest) jerk your child will ever know.

Image via Brigitte Dale

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