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6 Things I'd Rather Do Than Be Pregnant Again

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Pregnancy, for me at least, was hard and sucked. I was hospitalized, sick the majority of the time and barely ate the whole time. It was definitely nothing like the TV shows and movies told me it would be. And you know, those TV pregnancies went by in two episodes. They were quick. Sitcom labor looked like it hurt just a little—about as painful as a splinter removal or ripping off a Band-Aid.

Needless to say, the media lied.

Whenever I get the stomach flu or bad heartburn or anything related to my stomach, I have flashbacks to pregnancy. Puking in a pink bucket. Eating ice cubes for meals. And suddenly wanting my life to end that very minute.

So, thanks, but no thanks. There won't be a "second act." One and done. Period.

Here are 6 things I would rather do than be pregnant again!

1. Walk Down the Street Naked

I would rather walk in my nice, quiet neighborhood nude and have people point and say, "Where are her meds?" and show everyone my everything than be pregnant for even one friggin' day!

2. Have Dinner With My Former Mother-in-Law

Oh, she hated me and still does! Basically, dinner just the two of us would be an absolute atrocity.

Still, better than being pregnant.

Better than puking. Better than pregnancy acne. Better than sleeping upright because your heartburn is at dragon-spitting fire levels.

3. Make School Lunches for All Eternity

There is nothing more mundane and uncreative than the school lunch. Packing it. Picking the right ingredients so it stays "fresh." Minding particular taste buds. Some days, it truly seems like the worst chore on the planet ... until you consider pregnancy. The chore that doesn't end for nine months that feel like a decade. It's what feels like a century of hormones, nausea, sore boobs and sore backs.

I know, I know, it's worth it for the kids. Sigh.

Yup, pregnancy stinks. To those of you that loved it, good for you. Guess what? You still don't get a medal for that!

4. Rebuild or Organize My Daughter's Barbie DreamHouse

Have you ever attempted to organize a Barbie DreamHouse? Have you ever tried gathering all of that high-maintenance doll's shoes? Those tiny, pointy shoes? Have you tried to hang Barbie's clothes on the miniature hangers? Have you tried to find all the practically invisible forks and spoons for her kitchen?

Worse, have you tried to build the damn thing? Master engineers have yet to build that made-in-China hot pink monstrosity in less than five hours.

Even still, with all of that, I'd rather do it than be peeing voraciously or having funny-looking moles grow on me.

Ah, pregnancy, you're so sexy.

5. Do a School Fundraiser Every Day for the Rest of My Life

I'd rather do a school fundraiser selling chotckes that nobody wants or needs today, tomorrow and forever than be pregnant again.

I'd rather go door-to-door selling laxatives than stick my head in a bowl to vomit thanks to pregnancy hormones. I'd rather go door-to-door selling invisible money than waddle through the last trimester and barely be able to reach the pedals of my car.

Yup, pregnancy stinks. To those of you that loved it, good for you. Guess what? You still don't get a medal for that!

6. Get a Brazilian Bikini Wax Daily

I would rather endure the humiliating pain and awkwardness of a daily Brazilian bikini wax, complete with waxing of the old "back door," than have leaky boobs, a sore back and labor pains.

Yeah, in case you didn't get it, it was that bad.

So ... sorry, kid, as much as I love you, I'm telling you now: You're so damn great that no other kid can top you.

You can send in your complaints to the management, but she won't be changing her mind any time soon!

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