The last days of your pregnancy are—how do I say it—AWFUL! They drag on in slow-motion
while you uncomfortably, well, drag on. You
simply cannot wait another day to meet that little bundle of joy that you’ve
been dreaming about for nine months. You
also can’t sleep, you can’t eat and you can’t do simple things like put on
pants or get into bed without an ass-kicking from your sciatica nerve. Nope, you can’t wait to shoot that tiny human
out of your baby maker. Here are 12 ways you know that you are really ready to have that
1. You’ve never in your life been so anxious to see
a mucous plug.
You are not quite sure what it looks like, exactly. Well, you sort of know, but you could only
look out of the corner of your eye when you Google-imaged it. And the dry-heaving which then occurred took
you away from your study of its exact
shape and color. You inspect your towel
after a shower, you inspect your post-wipe toilet paper, you take regular undie
peeks and you spend at least 10 minutes after every bathroom visit
aggressively searching the toilet bowl for that gelatinous cork. And lucky husband of yours gets to hear all of
your contemplations about whether that “glob” you saw could have been the
mucous plug or could have just been normal discharge.
2. You are having awkward, pregnant sex three times a
At nine months, you aren’t really having sex. You are having intercourse. You are doing it because you read on some
parenting site that semen contains some hormone-like substance that is supposed
to stimulate the cervix and trigger labor. You are having health-class
sex. But way more awkward. Yup, because unless you are into farm animal
role-play, pretty sure it’s not the hottest sex you’ve ever had. But you do it, often, even though it is
uncomfortable and looks so weird in a mirror. Just trying to bring on that labor, son.
3. You eat alternating meals of Indian and Mexican
Spicy foods are supposed to do it, right? Yeah, everyone has told you this. So, it’s chiles rellenos for lunch and extra
spicy tikka masala for dinner. Your
logical mind tells you that this method seems like a stretch. But who cares. You put down that chilaquiles like a boss in
hopes that spice will indirectly encourage junior to get on that slip and
slide. Anything to get things cracking
in the general vicinity of your uterus.
It’s been nine months of squeezing those pelvic floor muscles. Your kegel skills are next level.
4. You have absolutely no desire to watch one more
episode of TLC’s “Baby Story.”
You used to get so excited to grab a bowl of microwave
popcorn and your computer to watch Sarah and Mike choose a circus theme over a
aeronautical theme for baby Colin’s nursery. You loved the suspense of Rena and Gavin’s episode where Rena’s frequent
contractions, which sent them frantic to the hospital, turned out to just be
Braxton-Hicks. Whew! False alarm! After nine months of that ish, you are over it now. No more watching others do it online. You want your own damn baby story. You just can’t stomach it now. Not even the episode where Mary and Jim have
second thoughts about going through with a hypno-birth.
5. You reminisce lovingly about the days when you
had morning sickness
Those were the days. When your discomfort was a measly morning vomiting session or sporadic
sessions of vertigo. You feel so
miserable, heartburned, bloated and exhausted now that you almost long for
6. You’ve done so many kegels that your vag could
bench press 200 pounds.
It’s been nine months of squeezing those pelvic floor muscles. Your kegel skills are next level. You had the basic kegel down pat months
ago. Now, after all this time, you can
do “the wave,” “the swoop and hold,” “the one curtain open” and you can stop a
stream of pee with steel doors in .3 seconds. Of course, that will all change after you have
that baby, but for now, yup, your pelvic floor game is tight.
7. You need a GoPro to strap under your belly just
to get down the stairs.
8. You sound like Darth Vader.
You have pulled out all the stops. You drank that stuff from the Tom and Jerry cartoons.
9. You feel like you look like Peter Griffin.
walk has turned into a zombie-like stagger and children are afraid to see you
You lumber around dragging one leg behind you, eyes glossed
over, letting out a whispery moan every time you exhale. Not so much a pregnancy glow anymore as it is
now a pregnancy BRAINNNNNSSSS!
did it. You actually drank castor
You have pulled out all the stops. You drank that stuff from the Tom and Jerry
cartoons. You were hoping for
contractions from your uterus, but instead you threw up three times and had
diarrhea for the rest of the day. You
are really into stimulating your bowels, these days.
feel like your baby needs to start paying rent soon.
I mean, it was cool at first. Your baby really needed you, and you had the
room. But now she’s all spread out,
making you feel like a stranger in your own body. You thought this living arrangement was
temporary, you were told it would be nine months, but you’re now two weeks past the
move-out date. It’s time, sweetie.