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My Never-ending Miscarriage

"That bleeding was your period! You're all set to try again when you are ready. I know it's been over a month since the miscarriage and you've been having a hard time with all the spotting and the emotional roller coaster riding but you are out of the woods now." That was the mixed metaphor I was hoping to hear last Thursday. But instead I was told, tissue had been missed during the D&C and I would most likely need another procedure. The Dr. gave me medication that was supposed to make my uterus cramp and pass the remaining tissue as a last ditch effort. So I took it, and we waited and nothing happened. Yesterday I went back in for a follow-up ultrasound to see if it had passed. But it hadn't. That's when I lost my shit, lying there with my feet in stirrups, the picture of my almost empty uterus glowing in the dark of the ultrasound room. The doctor took off my glasses to wipe away my tears. "I'm so sorry," she said. "I know you just want this to be over."

She gave us our options - we could give the university clinic a try again for a re-suction at no cost or have her do it in the operating room under anesthesia which will cost us about $4000 with insurance. I agonized over the decision. The cost was killing me. The thought that the second D&C might not get the tissue was killing me. And the thought of going back to that clinic was killing me. The D&C was a very unpleasant experience, the bullet-proof glass, hearing the secretary schedule abortions and seeing other women leaving was very emotionally painful for me. The procedure itself was physically painful as well and the medication they give you makes you feel all messed up. I can't believe I have to go through it all again. I was feeling better, so hopeful, I thought I had gotten my period, I thought we could get back to normal. I thought my next big decision would be should we try this month or wait till next month? I didn't think it would be abortion clinic or hospital.

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We have decided to have the procedure done by my doctor at the hospital. I feel guilty about the cost, but they will put me to sleep, I won't have to remember it, I won't feel any pain during the procedure and, unlike the D&C, they will be using a camera during the procedure so she can see exactly where the tissue is and remove it. There is still a chance that it might not work, but she seems confident she will be able to remove the tissue and then we will be able to move forward. It's impossible to recover emotionally when my body is physically still going through the miscarriage.

It's impossible to recover emotionally when my body is physically still going through the miscarriage.

It was so hard writing about this, it's so fresh; the ultrasound was yesterday. We decided to go with the more expensive option this morning. I don't know the stats on how many women need a second or third D&C to remove tissue after a missed miscarriage, but I can't stop thinking, why is this happening to me? It feels like it will never be over. I'm trying so hard to be strong and to stay positive and be grateful for my loving husband and family and friends. But I feel like I can't take much more.

I haven't talked to my dad in over a month; he's too old for the internet so I called him yesterday, to let him know I would probably be going in for surgery under anesthesia. All I could think was what if I die from complications? I know that is rare, but it happens. It's rare to need two D&C's. It's rare to find an amazing man that wants to marry you; there are a lot of rare things in this world. But they happen. And no one can tell you they don't. So I just wanted to tell my Daddy that I loved him, just in case. And I wanted to hear him say it too. And he did.

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I've been searching online for other stories of missed miscarriages and multiple D&C's, the most honest writings I have come across are on old message boards. I just wish I had known that a miscarriage is a process; it's not a one-time event. For some women it's a few weeks for others like me, it goes on for much longer. And I hope that somehow this writing is reaching some women and helping them through it or God forbid, preparing them. I had no idea what a miscarriage entailed. I didn't know it could go on for months. But it can.

My surgery is tomorrow morning and all I can do is try not to expect the worst and hope for the best. I had to fill out this Five Wishes booklet before the surgery, detailing what I want done if something goes wrong and I die. I know it's just policy or whatever but it's putting my life in perspective. My brother and niece came to see me just as I was writing his name in as a secondary health agent. We hugged and we cried and we laughed when my niece put on the dog's cowboy hat. I chatted online with my friend about her love life, I left a message for my sister, telling her I love her. I've been putting my house in order, hopefully unnecessarily, but life is so short and so precious and no one knows how long we have and what I really wish is that everything goes well, I don't die, my cycle gets back to normal, my husband impregnates me and we have a healthy a baby, those are my five wishes.

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