It's finally fall and
after the summer I've had, I'm greeting the change of season with more
enthusiasm than normal. I've already starting putting up Halloween decorations. I've ordered some pleather leggings and a green body
suit for my "Guardians of the Galaxy"
costume (chubby Gamora coming at you!). I need to go to the fabric store in
search of a pattern that will fit my dog; she's going to be Rocket Raccoon. I have also been drinking a rather significant amount with my lady
friends. Poor things, I showed up on a Tuesday night and insisted everyone
drink up and informed them that they had to take one for the team and that it
was imperative for my healing. They are all teachers and I think Wednesday was
movie day. My husband, as usual, has been
a champ, waking me up with a cutesy voice, "Aw, do you have a widdle hangover?"
But before anyone worries that I'm developing a drinking problem, don't worry—I'm also getting my mind and body ready for us to try again.
Besides getting drunk
and eating sushi and deli meats, I've also been going to the gym, experimenting
with decaf coffee. (OK, that might be a lie, I bought decaf coffee but due to
aforementioned drinking. I have yet to try it out, but I will soon.) I have also
been trying to prepare myself psychologically to try again. I want to make my
body a welcoming environment. They say stress is the worst thing for getting
pregnant. I don't know if that is totally true, but despite my general rather
carefree attitude towards life, I'm paradoxically an extreme worrywart. I'm
worried about being worried and I have been unsure about how to conquer my
fears in a substance-free way but I think I've found an answer.
I'm also starting to feel like my new self, the self that knows for sure I want to be a mother. I'm ready to make changes in my life, to prepare for making a new life.
Fall is usually a
time for things dying and going into hibernation, and the impending doom of snow lurking
around the corner, but this year I'm thinking of it as time for growth, and
here's why: yoga. Let me just say, I am not
into yoga. I'm more of Pilates DVD kind of girl but I have done yoga in
the past, and I'm not really a fan. Particularly in fitness-mad Colorado, I
really hated going. Once at a certain gym that stays open 24-hours a day, the
teacher actually yelled, "GET YOUR DOWNWARD DOG ASSES IN THE AIR!" That's not
really my cup of Yogi tea.
I have a new friend—she's my neighbor and a yoga teacher. We went for a walk the other day,
and I find her presence very calming. I told her about the aggressive yoga I
had been to and she laughed and said she doesn't do that kind of yoga. She
focuses on meditation and breathing and healing and fertility. So I signed up
for a private class and I wasn't sure what to expect. She began with an
evaluation of my alignment and guess what? I'm strangely symmetrical, which
gave me an inexplicably good feeling right off the bat.
Generally, the whole
experience was very relaxing until the end, when she was instructing me on some
relaxation pranayama breathing, I cupped my palms over my eyes and I don't know
what happened but I started crying. A lot. With a gentle hand on my back, she
spoke of the darkness of winter but that it's a time when things are getting
ready to grow again, to start the cycle over again, a time to plant seeds. Of course I was thinking about how much I want to start trying again, start over again, but I was
having trouble seeing the darkness as cozy and nurturing. It felt like standing
on the edge of an abyss and I was afraid.
tissues, she taught me another breathing exercise, where I placed my hands on
my heart and then placed them palm up on my legs. I could breathe again, and
there was light. After our session, I walked home—the sun was shining and
there was a slight fall chill in the air. I stopped for a moment, took a deep
breath and put my hand on my belly. I looked up at the sky and I smiled, suddenly thinking about how it would be nice to be pregnant in the winter, all fat and
cozy in my sweaters, in front of the fireplace, drinking hot cocoa, snuggling
with the dog and my husband, watching our shows and waiting for our summer
Going out with my
girlfriends and drinking and eating oysters and smoked meats has been helping
me immensely to feel like my old self, but I'm also starting to feel like my
new self, the self that knows for sure I want to be a mother and I'm ready to
make changes in my life, to prepare for making a new life. I have a few more crazy nights coming up, then
it's all fertility yoga and decaf and I'm not sad about it. I'm happy and that
is a really good feeling.