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Fall is Here and the Season Isn’t the Only Thing Changing

It's finally fall and after the summer I've had, I'm greeting the change of season with more enthusiasm than normal. I've already starting putting up Halloween decorations. I've ordered some pleather leggings and a green body suit for my "Guardians of the Galaxy" costume (chubby Gamora coming at you!). I need to go to the fabric store in search of a pattern that will fit my dog; she's going to be Rocket Raccoon. I have also been drinking a rather significant amount with my lady friends. Poor things, I showed up on a Tuesday night and insisted everyone drink up and informed them that they had to take one for the team and that it was imperative for my healing. They are all teachers and I think Wednesday was movie day. My husband, as usual, has been a champ, waking me up with a cutesy voice, "Aw, do you have a widdle hangover?" But before anyone worries that I'm developing a drinking problem, don't worry—I'm also getting my mind and body ready for us to try again.

Besides getting drunk and eating sushi and deli meats, I've also been going to the gym, experimenting with decaf coffee. (OK, that might be a lie, I bought decaf coffee but due to aforementioned drinking. I have yet to try it out, but I will soon.) I have also been trying to prepare myself psychologically to try again. I want to make my body a welcoming environment. They say stress is the worst thing for getting pregnant. I don't know if that is totally true, but despite my general rather carefree attitude towards life, I'm paradoxically an extreme worrywart. I'm worried about being worried and I have been unsure about how to conquer my fears in a substance-free way but I think I've found an answer.

I'm also starting to feel like my new self, the self that knows for sure I want to be a mother. I'm ready to make changes in my life, to prepare for making a new life.

Fall is usually a time for things dying and going into hibernation, and the impending doom of snow lurking around the corner, but this year I'm thinking of it as time for growth, and here's why: yoga. Let me just say, I am not into yoga. I'm more of Pilates DVD kind of girl but I have done yoga in the past, and I'm not really a fan. Particularly in fitness-mad Colorado, I really hated going. Once at a certain gym that stays open 24-hours a day, the teacher actually yelled, "GET YOUR DOWNWARD DOG ASSES IN THE AIR!" That's not really my cup of Yogi tea.

I have a new friend—she's my neighbor and a yoga teacher. We went for a walk the other day, and I find her presence very calming. I told her about the aggressive yoga I had been to and she laughed and said she doesn't do that kind of yoga. She focuses on meditation and breathing and healing and fertility. So I signed up for a private class and I wasn't sure what to expect. She began with an evaluation of my alignment and guess what? I'm strangely symmetrical, which gave me an inexplicably good feeling right off the bat.

Generally, the whole experience was very relaxing until the end, when she was instructing me on some relaxation pranayama breathing, I cupped my palms over my eyes and I don't know what happened but I started crying. A lot. With a gentle hand on my back, she spoke of the darkness of winter but that it's a time when things are getting ready to grow again, to start the cycle over again, a time to plant seeds. Of course I was thinking about how much I want to start trying again, start over again, but I was having trouble seeing the darkness as cozy and nurturing. It felt like standing on the edge of an abyss and I was afraid.

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After several tissues, she taught me another breathing exercise, where I placed my hands on my heart and then placed them palm up on my legs. I could breathe again, and there was light. After our session, I walked home—the sun was shining and there was a slight fall chill in the air. I stopped for a moment, took a deep breath and put my hand on my belly. I looked up at the sky and I smiled, suddenly thinking about how it would be nice to be pregnant in the winter, all fat and cozy in my sweaters, in front of the fireplace, drinking hot cocoa, snuggling with the dog and my husband, watching our shows and waiting for our summer baby.

Going out with my girlfriends and drinking and eating oysters and smoked meats has been helping me immensely to feel like my old self, but I'm also starting to feel like my new self, the self that knows for sure I want to be a mother and I'm ready to make changes in my life, to prepare for making a new life. I have a few more crazy nights coming up, then it's all fertility yoga and decaf and I'm not sad about it. I'm happy and that is a really good feeling.

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