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Apparently My Numb, Swollen Face Is 'Perfectly Normal'

Photograph by Getty Images

Nothing should shock you when it comes to your body during and after pregnancy. Pretty much anything is considered “normal” according to the medical profession. Horn growing out of your head? Normal. Hair growing on your palms? Normal. Demonic thoughts? Totally normal.

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So it wasn’t alarming to me at all when my face started going partially numb and swelling after I gave birth. I rarely panic. In fact, I tend to go in the complete opposite direction. I mean I’ve given birth twice. They pulled a human being out of me, twice! After that, it takes quite a bit to get me rattled. A little facial numbing was just not at the top of my list of things to get worked up over.

It took me an entire week of laughing about this swelling and numbness for me to come to the conclusion that I should go to the doctor. Seriously, what is wrong me?! It’s scary that I’m responsible for the well-being of two children.

The silver lining in all of this is that nobody tries to come near me or touch my baby during my “episodes of normal.”

People pay good money for lips like these.

My doctor told me that the body goes through many different things during and after pregnancy and there is a large range of what’s considered “normal.” She believes that my exploding lips fall within that range of “normal” and sent me on my way with an EpiPen (just in case). What the fuck? I’m supposed to keep track of my baby and this needle? Do I put the baby down before I stab myself in the thigh? He can’t even support his head yet. I need extra arms.

I went to the doctor and after poking, prodding and scratching up my back with different allergens to replicate this attractive reaction, we've concluded that I may or may not be allergic to “something” in the world. Although we can’t conclusively say what that “something” is, and we’re not really sure just how dangerous that “something” may be.

Being “normal” totally sucks. This magical face swelling thing has now happened three times and I refuse to stab myself with the pen. The doctor swears that this “normalcy” will probably disappear on its own just as quickly as it’s appeared.

RELATED: Rediscovering the Diary of a Crazy Pregnant Lady

The silver lining in all of this is that nobody tries to come near me or touch my baby during my “episodes of normal.”

What’s the craziest thing your body has gone through during or after pregnancy? Please share and tell me I’m not alone!

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