I'm ready to commence
baby-making. That's what I keep saying, but yesterday my husband went for his
flu shot and sent me two text messages, "Got my flu shot, only had to wait ten
minutes!" and "You have to wait a month before getting pregnant." (Which is NOT
true by the way—my husband misunderstood the question. Pregnant ladies and those
trying to conceive absolutely should get the flu shot—it doesn't hurt anything
and will protect you and your future baby.)
I was on my way to
therapy when I saw those messages and I had two instantaneous emotional
reactions practically on top of each other. First, I thought, Shit, are you
kidding me? We have to wait another month? Then I felt relieved, relieved that
we didn't have to try again right away because there was an outside factor
making the decision for me.
"What made you feel
relieved?" My therapist asked calmly. I hemmed and I hawed and finally said,
"I'm not ready, I want to drink some more." And she let it go at that, which
frankly, I thought was weird, so I told my husband about it and he laughed and
said, "OF COURSE you want to keep drinking, that's a lot easier than having a
baby. You've been traumatized. Maybe we should wait another month." But that didn't sit right with me either. I don't want to wait, I want to
get back in the saddle, and I'm ready. But why did I have that thought? Do I
really want to have a baby? Does my relief indicate a deeper issue? Am I really
not ready to try again?
Kids get hurt, sometimes babies need open heart surgery, your old pants may never fit again, and husbands cheat and leave you. This family-making business is scary, because it's the future and I don't know what's going to happen.
I went to my second
private yoga class the next morning and the theme was being present. We spend
so much of our lives worrying about the past or the future and so little of our
focus is on the now. We did some hip openers but my goal was for me to be
present, to notice how I was feeling without judgment, to just be in the now.
Afterwards, I rode my
bike to the gym and for a moment I noticed how beautiful the leaves were
looking and it clicked for me. Seeing those leaves was being present. Just
enjoying their orange and gold beauty, the feeling of my legs pumping on the
bicycle, the wind on my face, the bright blue Colorado sky, breathing in those
things was being in the now. I thought again about my relief at the thought we
might have to wait until next month to try and conceive. Where was that
feeling coming from? And I came to a conclusion, the Internet. Yup, the same
Internet that has been helping me with my healing and connecting me to others
is also FULL of articles with titles like, "Kids Suck, Just Get a Dog" or "How
Parenting Is Ruining My Marriage" or "I'm a Stay-at-Home Mom and I Want to Blow
My Brains Out." Every time I read something like that I tremble inside. I'm nervous about the future; I'm scared of the real day-to-day life of actually
having a baby and raising a child.
This further hit home
when I happened on three kids with their nanny on
the bike path. One kid had clearly bit the ground and I stopped to help. And the
helping was gross—digging through the weeds, looking for shards of the kid's
teeth while simultaneously trying to distract him with kid-friendly questions.
(His favorite Halloween treat is candy corn and I'm proud to say I didn't say, "Ewwww, candy corn! Who likes candy corn, seriously?"). Kids get hurt, sometimes
babies need open heart surgery, your old pants may never fit again, and
husbands cheat and leave you. This family-making business is scary, because
it's the future and I don't know what's going to happen.
So I need to work on
being present and I'm up for the challenge. I went home that evening
and told my husband, "I think we should try but not like, try try. Let's do it like we did before, fly without a net
and hope for the best." I'm open to the possibility of getting pregnant, but I'm
not ready to be a total psycho about it. Meaning, we can go in the hot springs
next week; we can have some champagne & caviar; and whatever will be, will
be. I'm so scared of miscarrying again and I want to control all the variables
that I can control, but really, it was nothing I did.
Miscarriages just happen,
and most women go on to have healthy pregnancies. I don't plan on drinking when
I know I'm ovulating but I know I'm not ovulating next week and I want us to
have a beautiful time in the mountains and be present for each other, without worry,
without fear, with only love.