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Wishing and Hoping

Waiting and wondering is tough. It’s too easy to get inside my head and get my hopes up. As I mentioned last week, I have no clue when, or even if, I ovulated this month. All signs point to "I don’t know." So I’m left wondering and waiting.

Last week, I experienced light spotting. It wasn’t quite the same as my previous pre-period spotting and, after a couple days, it stopped. Since I’m looking for any sign that might clue me in on ovulation or conception, I’m hoping what I saw was implantation bleeding. It’s seems plausible, based on what I’ve read. The timing makes sense as does the appearance and amount of spotting.

I feel like I should know when I’m pregnant because I’ve gone through it twice before.

Going by the guideline of my last cycle and the data I entered in my phone app, my next period was expected to start today (as I write this). I counted down the days until I could test this morning upon waking. A good friend of mine talked me out of urges to test sooner. For several days, I’ve been experiencing possible early pregnancy symptoms. My need to pee noticeably increased, I have some breast discomfort and I’m moody. I’ve been getting more upset and crying over trivial things.

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I’m tired, though not as tired as I was at the start of my first pregnancy. That time, exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks every day after work. I actually thought I was coming down with an illness before my breasts became really tender. Sore breasts were the real tip-off because I never felt like that when sick before. Tired, sure. Moody, yep. But it’s hard to rely on breast tenderness as a sign, since I’m still breastfeeding my son. My breasts have been a little more uncomfortable lately, but sometimes I feel that way with my period, too.

I feel like I should know when I’m pregnant because I’ve gone through it twice before. Shouldn’t I recognize it quicker? More easily? I feel like I might be. I hope that I am pregnant, but I just don’t know yet. I don’t know if I ovulated or not. I don’t know if my period was really supposed to come yet or not.

I don’t know.

I know what I’m feeling, but I’m not sure I can trust it. I remember how I felt the week of the positive pregnancy test with my daughter, but I don’t really remember if it was as obvious with my son. I do remember feeling confident that I was pregnant again and the positive test confirmed it. Feeling confident was easy, since we conceived him within one cycle. We decided, we tried and boom—we were pregnant. The complete opposite of what we experienced while trying for three years to conceive his older sister.

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I was sad to see only one line on the test this morning. I was really hoping to have fun news to share with husband before he left for work. I was excited until that second line refused to appear. I’m holding onto hope that there is still a chance I am pregnant. Having a funky cycle throws things off and I may have ovulated later than I guessed. Maybe the hormone levels are too low to be detected yet. I was reading how I should wait a week to test again if my period doesn’t come, but I doubt I can wait another seven days to test. I am going to wait a couple days then test again. If after a week I’m still getting a negative test and Aunt Flo is no where in sight, I’m going to give my OB a call.

It’s hard when you aren’t sure how long you should wait.

Image via Thinkstock

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