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How to Move While Doing Everything in the World

Step 1: Get rid of all your books. Didn’t you learn this the last time you moved? Books are for suckers who like back problems and dusting and demonstrating that they once read something that they will never read again. You can get new books again after you move. Sell or donate every book you absolutely cannot live without. Be prepared to get no money back for your books; that way, when you get $50 for the 15 huge boxes you bring into Half Price Books, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Step 2: Let the dog out the front door with $100 taped to him. Close the door. He’ll find a new, better home.

Step 3: Hire professional movers. Do not be a hero. No expense is too great. And there is no way you would ever be able to pay your friends back for asking them to help you do it on their own time. Pizza is almost worse than nothing.

RELATED: 6 Tips on Moving With Small Children

Step 4: Go back in time to when you were engaged and dreamily registering for fancy china and three different kinds of wine glasses and a 30-pound pizza stone and two different types of dessert plates. Slap that woman around and tell her that she will never, ever host as many fancy dinner parties as her bridal magazines are making her think she will. Tell her to buy four plates and four cups and four bowls and that is that.

Try to convince your spouse that now is a good time for your child to start watching television and that there can be playtime and there can be packing time but the two cannot coincide.

Step 5: Prostrate yourself before anyone who might have free boxes for you, like the grocery store or the liquor store or anybody you vaguely know who just moved. Because spending $100 on four boxes at the UPS store will hurt you inside.

Step 6: Why do you have so many clothes?!

Step 7: Start randomly throwing things in boxes without organizing or particular care. Almost hope that they get broken during the move so that you will at least have an easy solution of where to put the thing when you unbox it a year later.

RELATED: 10 Tips for House-Hunting With a Baby

Step 8: Go to bed at 9 p.m. for two weeks straight.

Step 9: Try to convince your spouse that now is a good time for your child to start watching television and that there can be playtime and there can be packing time but the two cannot coincide.

Step 10: Conduct the long-awaited scientific study that determines exactly how much a pregnant woman can drink per day, safely, and then drink that much.

Step 11: Run away; start a new life. By yourself, in a studio apartment.

Image via Getty Images

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