Step 1: Get rid of all your books. Didn’t you learn this the
last time you moved? Books are for suckers who like back problems and dusting
and demonstrating that they once read something that they will never read
again. You can get new books again after you move. Sell or donate every book
you absolutely cannot live without. Be prepared to get no money back for your
books; that way, when you get $50 for the 15 huge boxes you bring into Half
Price Books, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Step 2: Let the dog out the front door with $100 taped to him.
Close the door. He’ll find a new, better home.
Step 3: Hire professional movers. Do not be a hero. No expense
is too great. And there is no way you would ever be able to pay your friends
back for asking them to help you do it on their own time. Pizza is almost worse
Step 4: Go back in time to when you were engaged and dreamily
registering for fancy china and three different kinds of wine glasses and a 30-pound pizza stone and two different types of dessert plates. Slap that woman
around and tell her that she will never, ever host as many fancy dinner parties
as her bridal magazines are making her think she will. Tell her to buy four
plates and four cups and four bowls and that is that.
Try to convince your spouse that now is a good time for your child to start watching television and that there can be playtime and there can be packing time but the two cannot coincide.
Step 5: Prostrate yourself before anyone who might have free
boxes for you, like the grocery store or the liquor store or anybody you
vaguely know who just moved. Because spending $100 on four boxes at the UPS
store will hurt you inside.
Step 6: Why do you have so many clothes?!
Step 7: Start randomly throwing things in boxes without
organizing or particular care. Almost hope that they get broken during the move
so that you will at least have an easy solution of where to put the thing when
you unbox it a year later.