Another week of waiting, full
of anxiety as more and more terrible news items make their way into the world. I hit up my reiki lady again, and while on the table she asked me, "What made
you want to come back and see me?" I told her I just wanted to feel like I was
doing something. There is nothing I can do to control this pregnancy beyond no
caffeine and no booze. The reiki feels
like doing something in between ultrasounds.
I kept thinking, When we go for the second ultrasound, there won't be any heartbeat, there won't be any growth. I kept thinking, How can I tell my husband I can't go through this again?
Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. and
I couldn't go back to sleep. My mind kept wandering to the disturbing current
events all up in my Facebook feed: Ferguson, Eric Garner and the not-so-well-publicized Peggy Young (she's the UPS worker that got put on unpaid leave for
being pregnant; her case is being heard before the Supreme Court). All of
these injustices made my worries seem small, until 3 a.m. in the dark, and then
they loomed large.
I kept thinking, When we go for
the second ultrasound, there won't be any heartbeat, there won't be any growth.
I kept thinking, How can I tell my husband I can't go through this again? If we
miscarry for a second time, I don't want to have a baby. I confessed this fear
to the woman doing the reiki on me. I
told her if this one doesn't take, maybe it's the universe telling me I
shouldn't have a baby. She snorted and said, "Well, the universe made sure you
got pregnant again awfully quickly." But still I tossed and turned in the
night. I've been pushing myself hard to not feel attached, but I finally broke
in therapy. I was sobbing when I told my therapist that I know I shouldn't be
attached but I can't help it: I love this baby already.
It's just a wisp but it's a
wisp with a heartbeat, I heard it today. We're at 7 weeks (and one day), and the baby is
growing how it should. The doctor said she wanted to see me smile at my next
appointment, because things are looking good. In response, I started to cry.
I'm still so afraid something is going to happen and no one can guarantee that
it won't. So she wants me to come back in two weeks for another
ultrasound and to do some genetic testing. I feel like you're never out of the
woods during pregnancy, there's no home-free. I don't know that I will be able
to smile in two weeks. I think it's going to be more like 7 months.