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Top 10 Signs You're an Infertility Chick

Photograph by Getty Images

Some chicks can get pregnant just by having a guy look at them. We Infertility Chicks are not among them.

What's an Infertility Chick, you ask? As if the name doesn't explain it. Here are 10 signs indicating you, too, have struggled with getting pregnant.

1. You’ve cursed out the Clearblue lady.

After months of seeing the word “negative” on a pregnancy test, who can blame us for dialing the toll-free number on the box and ranting at the customer service rep? "Is that a second blue line or just my imagination?" you want to know. And why do we need a happy face to tell us when we’re ovulating? Clearblue lady, we’re sorry for taking our frustration out on you. Honestly? You kind of had it coming.

2. You inject yourself with the precision of a doctor or heroin addict.

RELATED: Common Mistakes Women Make When Trying to Get Pregnant

Do you have a meth lab in your kitchen or are those just infertility drugs that you’re mixing? Before trying injectables, Infertility Chicks had no idea how to concentrate drugs, prep a hypodermic needle or jab ourselves in the stomach and press the plunger on the syringe, sending sweet hormonal speed into our systems. This isn't an episode of "Breaking Bad," we're referencing. Just another day in our cycle, baby.

3. You’re totally OK with your man masturbating to porn in a closet.

For some couples, babies are made with a Michael Bublé CD, scented candles and a bottle of Riunite on ice. After six months of trying, that level of romance is dead. If, one day, we have to tell our children that daddy did his part of the baby-making while watching "Car Wash Bubble Butts, Vol. 2," it will still have been worth it.

4. You hate pregnant chicks.

“OMG, congratulations! We are so happy for you!” (Lie, lie, lie). We know it’s not reasonable, but just the sight of a knocked-up woman makes our skin crawl. Especially the ones who were “so unprepared” because, boom!, “it happened on the first try.” Go away, stupid, glowing fat chicks.

5. You see babies everywhere.

Isn’t it weird how, before you were trying to get pregnant, you never noticed that babies are, like, everywhere? There they are in the park, in line behind you at Starbucks, showing off in the front row of your Zumba class.

6. You’ve tried on that fake belly in Destination Maternity.

There is really nothing weird about donning a prosthetic belly in a store dressing room, trying on empire-waisted dresses and putting a few photos of yourself on Instagram — just to get random mazel tovs from strangers. Nothing weird at all.

7. Stealing a car stereo to fund another round of IVF seems reasonable

Other money-making schemes you’ve come up with — becoming a sexy arms dealer (with a heart of gold), becoming a stripper (with a heart of gold), becoming a highly paid and sought-after escort, and asking your parents for money.

8. You’re accustomed to strange ladies putting things in your vagina

The lab tech getting ready to do your transvaginal ultrasound doesn’t need to give you instructions. By the time you get into the exam room, it’s panties off, game on! Now be generous with the lube, sister.

9. You’ve pulled your partner out of a business meeting to demand sex

When the app on your iPhone says you’re ovulating, it’s go-time. If you’ve made your man bang you on his lunch break in the Panera Bread bathroom (and then sat together afterward, silently eating broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl), you know you’re trying for a baby.

RELATED: My Infertility PTSD

10. You go back and forth from teetotaler to raging alcoholic

On Sunday, you skipped the mimosa at brunch “just in case.” Then the following week, you’re the one suggesting building a vodka luge out of a watermelon. Just another month in the life of an Infertility Chick doing whatever it takes to get knocked up.

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