Some chicks can get pregnant just by having a guy look at
them. We Infertility Chicks are not among them.
What's an Infertility Chick, you ask? As if the name doesn't explain it. Here are 10 signs indicating you, too, have struggled with getting pregnant.
1. You’ve cursed out the Clearblue lady.
After months of seeing the word “negative” on a pregnancy
test, who can blame us for dialing the toll-free number on the box and ranting at the
customer service rep? "Is that a second blue line or just my imagination?" you want to know. And
why do we need a happy face to tell us when we’re ovulating? Clearblue lady,
we’re sorry for taking our frustration out on you. Honestly? You kind of had it
Do you have a meth lab in your kitchen or are those just
infertility drugs that you’re mixing? Before trying injectables, Infertility Chicks had no idea
how to concentrate drugs, prep a hypodermic needle or jab ourselves in the
stomach and press the plunger on the syringe, sending sweet hormonal speed into
our systems. This isn't an episode of "Breaking Bad," we're referencing. Just another
day in our cycle, baby.
3. You’re totally OK with your man masturbating to porn
in a closet.
For some couples, babies are made with a Michael Bublé CD, scented
candles and a bottle of Riunite on ice. After six months of trying, that level
of romance is dead. If, one day, we have to tell our children that daddy did his
part of the baby-making while watching "Car Wash Bubble Butts, Vol. 2," it
will still have been worth it.
4. You hate pregnant chicks.
“OMG, congratulations! We are so happy for you!” (Lie,
lie, lie). We know it’s not reasonable, but just the sight of a knocked-up
woman makes our skin crawl. Especially the ones who were “so unprepared”
because, boom!, “it happened on the first try.” Go away, stupid, glowing fat
5. You see babies everywhere.
Isn’t it weird how, before you were trying to get
pregnant, you never noticed that babies are, like, everywhere? There they are in
the park, in line behind you at Starbucks, showing off in the front row of your
6. You’ve tried on that fake belly in Destination
There is really nothing weird about donning a prosthetic
belly in a store dressing room, trying on empire-waisted dresses and putting a
few photos of yourself on Instagram — just to get random mazel tovs from
strangers. Nothing weird at all.
7. Stealing a car stereo to fund another round of IVF
Other money-making schemes you’ve come up with — becoming
a sexy arms dealer (with a heart of gold), becoming a stripper (with a heart of
gold), becoming a highly paid and sought-after escort, and asking your parents
8. You’re accustomed to strange ladies putting things in
The lab tech getting ready to do your transvaginal
ultrasound doesn’t need to give you instructions. By the time you get into the
exam room, it’s panties off, game on! Now be generous with the lube, sister.
9. You’ve pulled your partner out of a business meeting
to demand sex
When the app on your iPhone says you’re ovulating, it’s
go-time. If you’ve made your man bang you on his lunch break in the Panera
Bread bathroom (and then sat together afterward, silently eating broccoli
cheddar soup in a bread bowl), you know you’re trying for a baby.
10. You go back and forth from teetotaler to raging
On Sunday, you skipped the mimosa at brunch “just in
case.” Then the following week, you’re the one suggesting building a vodka luge
out of a watermelon. Just another month in the life of an Infertility Chick doing whatever it takes to get