You've done it! You
have a little bun baking away in the oven and it is wonderful news! If
only the smells wafting out of your butt smelled like freshly baked bread. But I
bet they don't. One of the joyful and embarrassing side effects of
pregnancy is flatulence. In early pregnancy, your increased progesterone slows down your
digestive system and makes you one gassy lassie.
Later on, your uterus grows and
squishes your intestines, which slows you down even more. If you're
pregnant, you are probably already aware of this delightful phenomenon. You
think, oh it's my baby bump! But it's not—it's just gas and bloating. There
are some steps you can take to manage it, like eating smaller meals, exercising
(check with your doctor on that one), avoiding fartastic foods like cabbage,
cauliflower, beans, sugary stuff and fried foods. But your
pregnant body sometimes just can't stop the fire in the hole, and when you're
not alone, your gas can get embarrassing. So here are my five tips to pass off our gas like it's someone else's*:
1. At the gym. First of all, congratulations for going to the gym. You're amazing. Secondly, make sure if you are near a fan, turn on the fan. If a fart flies out while you're getting your sweat on, start sniffing immediately and looking around like someone else did it. Everyone knows farts waft around the gym, so if you have smelt it, you could not have dealt it.
2. At Work. This can be tricky, depending on your working environment. If you work with a lot of people, it's easy-peasy. Just let it rip and blame it on your cubicle mate. If they protest after you've yelled in their face, "Jeez, Bill from Accounting, breakfast burrito much?" go to the bathroom. When you come back, act like nothing happened. It's easy for me because I work at the public library and there is always a kid or old man that probably did just fart whom I can blame if a co-worker wrinkles their nose. "Whoa! That guy in the mysteries just blasted a big one! I think it followed me over here."
If you don't have a dog, get one. Then blame all farts past, present and future on the dog.
3. At Home. If you don't have a dog, get one. Then blame all farts past, present and future on the dog. This strategy works very well if you are entertaining in the home. If it's just you and your significant other and your partner makes a smart remark like, "Wow, the dog must be a ventriloquist, how did he make that fart come out of your butt?" leave the room and slam whichever door is closest, while saying "I'm carrying your baby, dammit!"
4. The Grocery Store. Your best bet is to head down aisles where no one else is shopping and let it flow. If you're feeling that telltale rumble, cruise through an aisle you don't need to stop and shop in and do NOT slow down. Moving gas gathers no flies or stink eyes from strangers.
5. All other public places. Take your partner with you. Fart. Then hit partner on the arm and exclaim, "Oh my god, ______! You are so gross! You should be ashamed of yourself!" If your partner does not like this, pinch arm, point to belly and hiss, "I'm having your baby, you a-hole. Take one for the team!"
There you have it, by
no means an exhaustive list, but hopefully it helps and at the very least lets you know you're not alone in your gaseous life-giving state. And like all things pregnant, this gas too, shall pass.
And if all else fails and you
feel obliged to claim the funk, try one of these nifty phrases while pointedly
rubbing your belly:
"More room on the
outside than the inside!"
"I guess the baby
loves her musical fruit!"
"Gosh, he's a little
"Did someone just
fart?" (I find that one works best if you start giggling after you say it—it's
a real tension breaker.)
And of course, you
can always just say, "Excuse me." If Whoopi Goldberg can rip farts in public, so
*Some of these tips
may have an adverse effect on your relationship, however you are the one
growing life and should be worshipped at all times. I think you will find your
partner quite accommodating or maybe I'm just lucky.