Forget the Bio Oil, the most indispensable accessory a pregnant
woman can have is a pregnant friend (because even if they’re being nice about
it, we suspect our partners and non-pregnant friends don’t really want to hear every disgusting, tedious detail.) While I do
have some pregnant friends, currently, none of them live on the A-list.
Fortunately, lots of celebrities are pregnant at the same time I am. Let’s take
a look at how likely I am to be pregnant pals with them:
Kate Middleton: I
wish. I would like to think that I could talk to Kate about having an active
toddler son and express words of sympathy about her hyperemesis gravidarum
(since a friend of mine had it), and if she thinks it’s worth trying to get your
husband to use Rogaine and maybe find out how she gets her clothes. And Kate
would probably smile politely, but then stop returning my calls.
Jessica Biel: Eh... polite pass. I don't have anything against Jessica Biel but I can’t think of
anything I’d like to talk to her about aside from wondering whether being
married to her husband is completely exhausting and whether it’s irritating
that all their big announcements seem to be all about him. And that’s not a
great way to kick off a friendship: “Is your husband the total needy ass he
seems to be? Do you sometimes worry that he and Jimmy Fallon are more than
friends? Also, any news on Britney?”
Definitely. She seems funny and smart. Even if she at her most pregnant she still
probably weighs less than me at my thinnest.
Hewitt/Tiffani Thiessen: Sure! I’m lumping these two together because while
I never would have sought them out as non-pregnant celebrity friends, I bet
they’d both be a hoot to hang out with, due to their age. In terms of
pregnancy, they’ve both been there, done that, so we could complain about how
much harder it is to be pregnant when you already have kids running around and
to do it when you’re in your mid-to late 30’s instead of 20’s, but also, we
could talk about the old days when people were famous and there wasn’t TMZ or
Twitter or anything like that. I bet they’d have stories.
Liv Tyler: Uh,
obviously? I would have to be tactful, of course, about finding ways to ask her
about her life and not grill her with the same questions over and over again
about what it was like to have Bebe Buell as a mom and Steven Tyler/Todd
Rundgren as a dad. But also, I’d want to ask her about those Aerosmith videos
and advice she has about raising a boy. Since her grandmother is an etiquette
expert, she would be forced to be nice-ish to me, too. Win.
Carrie Underwood: Maybe.
Carrie seems all right and I bet has some great stories from "American Idol" and her career but I have
a feeling she has the potential to be a sanctimommy. Pre-pregnancy, she already
made me feel bad with her health and fitness routines so I could see her just
being one of those perfect moms who would raise her eyebrows when you suggest
sitting on the floor in your sweatpants and drinking white wine at 11am while
the baby sleeps.
Beyonce (allegedly): No
way. I mean, yeah, sure I would love to go to a Nets game with Bey and hear all
about her vacations, but come on, we have nothing in common. She’s a beautiful
glowing extraterrestrial being and I mostly wear hand-me-down sweatpants these
days. I would love to hear her tell me what she and Jay really think about Kim
and Kanye, though. She’s that popular girl who I’m way too intimidated to say
hi to but if she showed me a modicum of kindness I’d be all She knows my name!! and she’d instantly
forget the interaction.