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My Famous Pregnant Friends

Forget the Bio Oil, the most indispensable accessory a pregnant woman can have is a pregnant friend (because even if they’re being nice about it, we suspect our partners and non-pregnant friends don’t really want to hear every disgusting, tedious detail.) While I do have some pregnant friends, currently, none of them live on the A-list. Fortunately, lots of celebrities are pregnant at the same time I am. Let’s take a look at how likely I am to be pregnant pals with them:

Kate Middleton: I wish. I would like to think that I could talk to Kate about having an active toddler son and express words of sympathy about her hyperemesis gravidarum (since a friend of mine had it), and if she thinks it’s worth trying to get your husband to use Rogaine and maybe find out how she gets her clothes. And Kate would probably smile politely, but then stop returning my calls.

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Jessica Biel: Eh... polite pass. I don't have anything against Jessica Biel but I can’t think of anything I’d like to talk to her about aside from wondering whether being married to her husband is completely exhausting and whether it’s irritating that all their big announcements seem to be all about him. And that’s not a great way to kick off a friendship: “Is your husband the total needy ass he seems to be? Do you sometimes worry that he and Jimmy Fallon are more than friends? Also, any news on Britney?”

Keira Knightley: Definitely. She seems funny and smart. Even if she at her most pregnant she still probably weighs less than me at my thinnest.

Jennifer Love Hewitt/Tiffani Thiessen: Sure! I’m lumping these two together because while I never would have sought them out as non-pregnant celebrity friends, I bet they’d both be a hoot to hang out with, due to their age. In terms of pregnancy, they’ve both been there, done that, so we could complain about how much harder it is to be pregnant when you already have kids running around and to do it when you’re in your mid-to late 30’s instead of 20’s, but also, we could talk about the old days when people were famous and there wasn’t TMZ or Twitter or anything like that. I bet they’d have stories.

Liv Tyler: Uh, obviously? I would have to be tactful, of course, about finding ways to ask her about her life and not grill her with the same questions over and over again about what it was like to have Bebe Buell as a mom and Steven Tyler/Todd Rundgren as a dad. But also, I’d want to ask her about those Aerosmith videos and advice she has about raising a boy. Since her grandmother is an etiquette expert, she would be forced to be nice-ish to me, too. Win.

Isla Fisher: No thanks. She seems mean.

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Carrie Underwood: Maybe. Carrie seems all right and I bet has some great stories from "American Idol" and her career but I have a feeling she has the potential to be a sanctimommy. Pre-pregnancy, she already made me feel bad with her health and fitness routines so I could see her just being one of those perfect moms who would raise her eyebrows when you suggest sitting on the floor in your sweatpants and drinking white wine at 11am while the baby sleeps.

Beyonce (allegedly): No way. I mean, yeah, sure I would love to go to a Nets game with Bey and hear all about her vacations, but come on, we have nothing in common. She’s a beautiful glowing extraterrestrial being and I mostly wear hand-me-down sweatpants these days. I would love to hear her tell me what she and Jay really think about Kim and Kanye, though. She’s that popular girl who I’m way too intimidated to say hi to but if she showed me a modicum of kindness I’d be all She knows my name!! and she’d instantly forget the interaction.

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