Tears rolled slowly down my cheeks as I sat in the bathroom
staring at the evidence of yet another unsuccessful cycle of trying to
conceive. I told myself it was OK if the pregnancy test was negative before I
peed on the stick. But it wasn't. I couldn’t help the feelings of
disappointment. As I shared last week, I felt pretty certain we timed
everything right and my PMS symptoms fooled me into feeling like I was
"Mom?" I could hear my kids running around outside
the bathroom. It was only a matter of time before they'd begin banging on the
door, demanding to be let in or that I come out.
I closed my eyes, squeezing out more tears. I suddenly felt
guilty for being sad that I wasn't pregnant. I have two wonderful children that
I love. Shouldn't they be enough? Am I not appreciating them enough?
I don't want to miss out on being present with them because I'm wrapped up in the emotional roller coaster of baby-making
As much as we want to grow our family, the last thing I want is
for my children to feel slighted by my preoccupation with trying to conceive
another sibling. I don't want to miss out on being present with them because
I'm wrapped up in the emotional roller coaster of baby-making and the
possibility of secondary infertility.
When I first started sharing our journey to Baby No. 3, I
honestly thought it would happen quickly. It was one thing to be upset about how
long it took to have our first baby. We conceived our second fast enough that I
didn’t have time to get hit with these feelings. In truth, I wasn’t prepared to
deal with the feelings I’ve been processing the last couple of weeks.
It’s led to me wondering if I’m being foolish trying to have
another. Then, in the same breath, I don’t want to regret not trying anymore. I
like to picture what it’d be like to have three little ones filling our home
and hearts. Unfortunately, it seems like mom guilt will always be lurking and
waiting to crash the party.
I don't ever want my daughter or son to feel like they weren't
enough because I love them no matter what. Still, my mom guilt kicked in, even
though I know it's OK to feel disappointed. It's OK to question why I'm not
getting pregnant. I can love and cherish the children I have while
simultaneously desiring another.
I’ve decided not to make rash decisions while caught up in my
emotions. When faced with a negative pregnancy test or mom guilt, I won’t
decide then and there if we’ll continue trying or not. After I calmed down, I
knew deep in my heart that I still want to try and that my kids are not being
pushed aside in my pursuit to get pregnant again.