There are some things that men will never—can never—understand about pregnancy. And, frankly, it's probably for the best they don't know these things going in because I'm not all that sure they can handle the truth.
Still, let's pretend they could, and that they're clicking through the Internet in droves because they heard pregnant women give out free Buffalo wings to those men in the know.
Let's go through 10 of those things that men will never understand about pregnancy, but might benefit from knowing.
1. There's pee.
Sometimes when it seems like we're laughing, we might be peeing a little bit too. It happens. Don't get grossed out—how many times have we had to deal with your pee missing the toilet?
2. The hormones.
The hormones take over. They make us giddy, they make us cry, they make us feel like it's the tortilla apocalypse when we get a corn tortilla instead of the flour one we wanted. We're so sorry about the hormones.
3. Don't bring up the hormones!
Sure, we know the hormones are doing a number on us, but when we're in the midst of a hormone-induced freak-out, bringing up that it's our hormones is like trying to blow on an erupting volcano to cool it down. Are you crazy?
4. Morning sickness is a LIE.
Puras mentiras that it only happens in the morning. It's a sick and twisted joke that it's called "morning sickness" because it can happen all day and night—and it's miserable.
5. We are NEVER lazy.
Sure it looks like we are laying on the sofa doing nothing, but we're not being flojas and you better not accuse us of laziness because it's not like we have a cute, sleeping kitty hangin' out in our belly. Nope, we're making another human being in there. If you have the nerve to judge us for taking a nap instead of doing chores, God bless you.
6. We have needs.
They're called "cravings," but really, they are necessities. If a pregnant woman has a craving, you best help her satisfy that craving. Especially if she is Latina because Latinas know that if they don't get what they are craving, their baby will be born looking like their craving and who the heck wants a baby with a face like swirled fat-free frozen yogurt? At least that's what our mothers and abuelas have been telling us our whole lives.
7. We are freaking out.
Pregnancy might be the most natural thing in the world, but it feels totally new and unnatural to us. It's like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" sometimes.
8. We're scared.
We're scared about the pregnancy, we're scared about giving birth, we're scared we won't be a good mom, we're scared we'll end up wearing mom jeans. We're just scared about everything. Sometimes you can talk us off the ledge and sometimes you can't.
9. We will fall in love with pillows.
You are going to hate our pillows like you won't believe. Yes, we used to like snuggling with you, but for the next nine months, we're going to be getting intimate with our beloved pillows. We may have so many pillows to snuggle up with that there might not be enough room in the bed for you. You don't mind sleeping on the couch sometimes, right?
10. We HEART you.
We appreciate you, we really do. I know it may not seem like it, but all those little extras you are doing for us—we notice and we are grateful. When we bring you to the brink of tears from frustration and stop to tell you we love you, it's totally not the hormones talking, it's our heart.
You know what's even funnier than all the things men will never understand about pregnancy? That they think once you give birth, you'll go right back to normal. As if the hormones would let you do that! Ha!