It's almost a cliché to complain that after so many years of
trying not to get pregnant, you're actually having trouble getting pregnant.
Little did you know how hard it could actually be. It's easy to let the stress
get to you and your partner, which in turn will affect your performance in the
bedroom—not to mention the rest of your life. Here are some tips to maintain
your relationship, no matter what the little blue lines say.
Yes, it's true that you are trying to have a baby. And it's
true that there's only a 3-5 day window where that can happen. But what about
the other three-plus weeks a month? One of the most annoying phrases told to
couples trying to conceive is "just relax!" But you can relax for three
quarters of the month, knowing that sex is what it used to be like: just for
fun, with no real end goal in sight.
Sex With Fertility
And what about those times when you actually are in the zone—when all you can do is imagine your egg dropping and meeting Mr. Sperm in the
fallopian tube? Keep those "fantasies" to yourself, even as you subtly lift
your legs in the air after. It's OK to have "timed sex." It's not OK to
make anyone feel that they're "on the clock."
The past is called the past for one reason: It's over! Start from right at this moment and move forward from there.
Does it matter which partner has the medical issues in the
relationship? Your husband's sperm count may be too low, you might have
endometriosis—both which make it harder to conceive. But it's pointless to
assign blame, or worse, think about how you'd be in a different predicament if
you weren't together. Point is, you are together, so it's best to
remember that if one person has a problem, both of you have a problem. That is,
if you want to stay together.
Leave the Past in the Past
"I can't tell you how long I've been begging my hubby
to start trying, but he kept saying no, that we don't have the money, etc," one
35-year-old said. "Now I'm so sad and upset," she said, after she found out she
has low ovarian reserve. "He feels so bad and keeps apologizing." Now that doesn't
sound like a healthy dynamic in a relationship, especially since she doesn't
know if they'd started trying to get pregnant a year earlier if anything would
have been different. The past is called the past for one reason: It's over!
Start from right at this moment and move forward from there.
The Rest of Your Life
Yeah, you used to have a life. Remember? Work, friends,
movie nights, vacations. Whatever you're doing to try and get pregnant—whether
it's monitoring your ovulation or even IVF—it's so, so important to maintain
the other parts of your once-flourishing life, no matter how trivial it seems.
And when it comes to your partner, it's not only doing other things that's
important, it's talking about other things, too. No one likes an obsessive bore
with a one-track mind, even if he's married to you. Keep open other avenues of
your life, and you'll be a more well-rounded partner—the one he fell in love
with in the first place.
Trying to conceive can be one of the most difficult
challenges a new couple can face. But if you maintain your relationship throughout the journey, by the
time your child comes, you'll be closer,
and better equipped to deal with anything a new tyke can bring.