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am 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Even for me, the one who thinks about this
pregnancy day and night and has seriously not thought of anything else since
the positive beta, this is crazy to think about. Deep down low in my body,
there is a separate being that is pumping my blood through its own tiny heart
This being is barely the size of a blueberry, but has taken control of
my body, making me sleep sixteen hours a day and causing me to now detest what
used to be my favorite foods. This little being makes me snap at my husband for
the littlest of things, and then causes me to burst into tears, apologizing
profusely. It has caused me to have a spectacular gag reflex, thereby shutting
down any thoughts of entering the kitchen for food. Or to open the refrigerator.
Or the garbage. Pretty much entering the kitchen causes me to want to hurl into
am in awe of the changes my body is going through. I actually went out and
bought a maternity bra at the advice of a friend and discovered I went from a
36B to a 38D. (Also, this baby has caused me to have no shame and share my bra
size with the Internet.) Instead of feeling guilty that all those soft pretzels
with cheese has thickened my mid-section, I can gleefully blame it on the baby.
Hell, I can eat all the soft pretzels and cheese I want, and blame it on the
As miserable as I feel sometimes, I need these symptoms. I need to feel like complete crap, because that's when I feel better.
pregnancy symptoms, I discovered, have kept me on a (slightly) even keel since
the positive beta. Early in the pregnancy, the symptoms would come and go and
so would my anxiety. If I looked at my lunch and wanted to throw up, I relaxed
because I knew the baby was there. When I felt energized and upbeat, I got
nervous and the obsessive thoughts would start: Is the baby still there? What
if I'm miscarrying?
my husband and I saw the tiny flicker of the heartbeat at 6 weeks, I've felt a
little better, but only because that's when the symptoms started in full force.
As miserable as I feel sometimes, I need these symptoms. I need to feel like
complete crap, because that's when I feel better. And those who have gone
through years of infertility and/or had previous miscarriages can understand
of taking this pregnancy hour by hour, day by day, I am starting to cautiously
think ahead a few days at a time, even weekly sometimes. I keep needing to tell
myself I am really, truly 7 weeks pregnant.