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What to REALLY Expect the Second Pregnancy

Photograph by Twenty20

“Look what you did!” you exclaim as you throw the pregnancy test at your partner.

Congrats, you're pregnant with your second child! In case you didn't already know, things are going to be different this time around. It’s not going to be just night and day from your first pregnancy; it’s more like night ... and a fever dream where you end up in a pile of Del Taco, wearing your husband’s clothes.

Here to assist you in what to expect the second time around is our handy Second Pregnancy Translator.

BABY SHOWERS

First Pregnancy: Horse-themed garden party with mini-quiches, pastel colors and a surprise serenade from Josh Groban.

Second Pregnancy: Orders large pizza for self and eats on Josh Groban CD when a clean plate can’t be found.

PREGNANCY PHOTOS

First Pregnancy: Faces the ocean wrapped in nothing but periwinkle gauze. Her face, a Pieta; her miracle body, barely interrupted by a perfect belly cantaloupe.

Second Pregnancy: Pulls down the maternity leggings still in heavy wardrobe rotation to snap a selfie of the monstrous double-watermelon housed in there at 15 weeks.

EXERCISE REGIMEN

First Pregnancy: High-intensity aerobics five times a week. People tell her all the time that there’s NO WAY she can be pregnant. She responds by doing 100 squats to that hip-hop song that’s just a bunch of dirty whispers.

Second Pregnancy: Lifts 30-pound toddler in and out of the car seat because she forgot cottage cheese at the store ... and then again because of child’s life-altering rocket-shaped crackers.

Fitbit displays this message: PHYSICAL EQUIVALENT OF TWO FLAPJACKS AND A MOUND OF MASHED POTATOES.

GENDER REVEAL PARTY

First Pregnancy: Friends and family wait with bated breath as someone cuts a cake that has the surprise gender baked inside. Doves are released.

Second Pregnancy: Gives husband an old diaper with a car inside.

The doctor receives a napkin with the word "EPIDURAL" scrawled on it.

BOOKS READ TO PREPARE

First Pregnancy: A canon of literature on every stage of development and how to never say the word “no” or “fail” to your child.

Second Pregnancy: Listens to daily true crime podcast while toddler throws sand.

BABYMOON

First Pregnancy: Instagrams pics from Cabo with husband holding a coconut mocktail cheekily in front of her tan bikini belly.

Second Pregnancy: Husband agrees to watch toddler while she wanders around Target alone, eating pretzels.

STROLLER CHOICES

First Pregnancy: $500 jogging stroller with coffee holder that handles rough terrain, water and 100 percent of the sun’s rays from your cancer-free infant.

Second Pregnancy: Stolen doll stroller

BIRTH PLAN

First Pregnancy: A detailed document on fancy stationery is given to the doctor. Specifications include candlelight, collection of your placenta and a birth soundtrack of newborn affirmations voiced by Morgan Freeman.

Second Pregnancy: The doctor receives a napkin with the word "EPIDURAL" scrawled on it.

PARENTING MANTRA

First Pregnancy: I will create a perfect, magical world where my child grows up with no obstacles and becomes the person that would exist if Elon Musk and Oprah conceived.

Second Pregnancy: I will get on this ride and be present.

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