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9 Reasons I Fear My First Baby

It's almost time for my son to make his appearance. Technically, he could come any day now as I have reached the 37 week mark, which is considered to term. This is my first and last child (yes, we are only having one —please shut up, it's our family and it's what we want, kthanksbai). Naturally, I'm having all kinds of thoughts and emotions and worry. Pregnancy has not been a particular joy to me for various reasons but as he stabs me in the cervix with some sort of devil fork he somehow smuggled in there, I'm realizing, like winter, he is truly coming. And it's gonna be scarier than a passle of White Walker children from Game of Thrones.

Now, you might be saying, what could be so scary about a sweet little baby? Perhaps for those who do not suffer from anxiety, nothing! But for all my Nervous Nelly sisters out there I know you can relate. I've been working on allowing myself to have anxious thoughts and then letting them go. I'm putting my fears on the page and I shall let them drift away in the wind! Sorry if they drift into your mind if you are pregnant and give you new things to worry about that had not been previously considered. In order not to overwhelm you, dear reader, or myself, I've limited my list to 9 things that keep me up at night (in addition to the constant peeing.)

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1. We have never met this person. He might be lovely, which is what we are all hoping for, but he's kind of like a rando roommate from Craigslist. He might appear to be mild mannered at the first house meeting, then start showing his true crazy ass in the middle of the night by leaning over our bed, staring at us and muttering until we wake up. Then he might just decide to scream at us for hours and trash the place and never pay rent while holding us hostage.

2. He's going to be so tiny! I saw the newborn diaper, it's so small! How can I take care of anything so teeny weeny and delicate? I break wine glasses like it's my job. I'm a damn butterfingers. What if I drop him?

3. He could have the dreaded colic, which, but the way, I thought was a disease. I think I was confusing it with the croup scene from "Anne of Green Gables" but it just means unexplained crying all the time. I don't think anyone enjoys the sound of a crying baby, but before I embarked on this motherhood journey, I was one of those bitches on airplanes that was like, shut your stupid kid up. Soon, I will be the bitch with the crying baby.

I'm nervous enough about breastfeeding, throw in some fetal teeth and it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

4. What if he never cries at all? What if he looks at us with quiet calculating eyes all the time and doesn't feel pain when we accidently stick him with something because he's a serial killer?!

5. Many things make me want to barf, what if his diapers are one of them? I hate throwing up and generally save it for special occasions, like extreme hangovers. What if I want to puke every time I change him?

6. What if I throw up while using the NoseFrida to suck out his boogers? Right on his face and he drowns?!?!?

7. Some babies are born with teeth, if he's one of them I just don't know what I'll do. How horrifying does that sound? It's rare but it happens! I'm nervous enough about breastfeeding, throw in some fetal teeth and it sounds like a recipe for disaster. Shudder.

8. He may destroy my relationship with my husband. He already makes me say mean things to my husband regularly, like "Get away from me." "Let's just not talk to each other right now, you are annoying the shit out of me." "Your breath smells horrible, could you just stop eating garlic for my sake, you jerk? " So what happens when this tiny monster is on the outside? Will he whisper directly into my ear? Kill! Kill! Kill!

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9. And my worst fear of all: what if I'm a terrible mother? Seriously, what if I don't have what it takes and I run away in the middle of the night only to send postcards from random places once every few years while my son makes up stories about where his mother is, telling the kids at school, that I'm on Doctors Without Borders one week and that I'm an astronaut the next or that I'm a super spy for the CIA, when really I'm just a deadbeat mom on the run. Meanwhile, my husband can't get over me leaving until some hot but age appropriate red-headed woman (I'm thinking a Julianne Moore type) with a daughter moves in next door and he finds love again, just when I suddenly return. Who will he choose? I know it will be Julianne Moore, I just know it!

Totally normal stuff, right? I'm not crazy right? RIGHT? Were you afraid of your first baby? Did any of your fears come true? Help me!

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