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Pregnancy Is 9 Months and Other Damn Lies

Photograph by Twenty20

Look, I know having a baby isn't for everyone. I have plenty of girlfriends who do not wish to have children. I wasn't even sure if I even wanted a baby until last year, and I'm 37 years old. I know I chose to create this life, and I know we are lucky to have the privilege of making a baby. However, as I sit here with my swollen feet and ankles in the last weeks of my pregnancy, ready to burst, I am not feeling physically comfortable, but I am feeling comfortable with bitching about how uncomfortable I am.

If you've sailed through all your pregnancies with grace and joy, and are one of those women that says, "I loved being pregnant!" Well, I simply don't know what to say to you, you exceptional babymaker you, but for the rest of the pregnant ladies out there and for those of you thinking about getting pregnant or trying to get pregnant or who never want to be pregnant, I'm about to drop some truths about pregnancy.

There are a lot of lies out there perpetrated by the masses to trick us into thinking pregnancy is a wonderful and miraculous experience for everyone. Let's start with this big whopper :

Pregnancy is 9 months. Pregnancy is NOT 9 months—it's 40 weeks. There are at least four weeks in every month. It's simple math that even I, a math dullard, can do. It's 10 months people! 10 months! And the last month feels like 5 months! I'm lumbering around here like Homer Simpson when he went on disability for obesity.

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You get to eat for two! Lie! You do not get to eat for two. The books never stop telling you that you only need 300 extra calories, which is like a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk. You are not supposed to just eat whatever you want. You are supposed to eat healthy for your baby and not gain too much weight. But guess what? You may find yourself craving some seriously unhealthy stuff, like pizza and Doritos. And you might eat them. And then you will get fat just like they told you not to, and you may cry about it while slurping a milkshake as your husband does all he can to console you and tell you how beautiful you are even though you both know it's not true.

Your skin will positively glow! Maybe someone got that glow, but it wasn't me. Unless you count the red pimples illuminating my cheeks and jawline. Or the firestorm of backne. I also have some lovely dark circles under my eyes from constantly waking up to to pee in the middle of the night. And skin tags! Those are new and beautiful. I have the neck of my 85-year-old father.

All I want fondled and groped is my aching lower back and my feet.

The first trimester is the worst. Whatever, the whole thing is the worst. Many women suffer from morning sickness, but I didn't! I just had the lovely feeling of wanting to vomit all day every day but never threw up. I can see where this lie comes from, because logically if you feel so crappy during the first trimester, the second will seem quite wonderful. No, it did not. I never stopped farting, and everything (including my farts) still smelled disgusting during the second trimester. I couldn't stand the thought of eating chicken. As in no one can even eat chicken in my vicinity. Or on TV. Or talk about it.

You'll get a burst of energy in the second trimester! Nope. I've been tired since week one and during my second trimester I was tired as hell. Now in the third trimester at week 38, I'm like a lumpy, lethargic, sweaty bear and twice as hairy.

You get really horny. Hmph. OK, maybe some people get really horny, but I have not found that to be the case. All I want fondled and groped is my aching lower back and my feet. Although I did just go see "Magic Mike XXL" and that was, um, quite stimulating—maybe a little too stimulating. I think the baby might have a dancing career in his future, as he was doing some serious kicks and thrusts during the film. But I highly recommend this film to all pregnant women. It's a delight!

Being pregnant is wonderful! No, it's not. Especially in the summer. It's awful. It's so hot, and sure you can wear flip-flops all the time, but now you get to gaze at what once were your feet now looking like loaves of bread. You can wear flowy sundresses, but there's a little something called chub rub that gets highly exacerbated by the heat. And when you're pregnant, you've got a lot more chub to rub.

It's amazing when you feel him kick! OK, I will admit, it was amazing at first, until he stabs you in the cervix, creating a lightning-like blast of pain that rocks through your hoo-ha, causing you to think something is terribly wrong. But nope, nothing wrong, just the miracle of life inside you causing you to double over in pain at random intervals!

Getting out of bed 10 times a night is a major workout.

You pee frequently. While not technically a lie, it is a gross understatement. The amount of time I have spent peeing day and night is most assuredly more time than I have spent doing anything else in life.

Mood swings are normal during pregnancy. Again, not really a lie, but the emotions and hormones during pregnancy are so crazy and not normal that I feel like they really, really, REALLY need to up the warning on this one. I would like some kind of wearable tech that sets off an alarm for those around you. DANGER! DANGER! MAMA-TO-BE AT DEFCON 1! EVACUATE! EVACUATE!

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Exercise through your whole pregnancy! So, maybe I'm extra lazy, but seriously these last few weeks of my 10-month pregnancy, I get winded reading a long paragraph about baby care aloud to my husband. The stairs in my house challenge me. My 30-minute dog walks have dwindled to 15. Getting out of bed 10 times a night is a major workout. I just want to sit with my fat, whole-wheat loaves of feet up and wait for my elective C-section.

It's totally worth it when you get that sweet baby! Is it? I don't actually know yet, but I will soon! And I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, I can't wait to get this boy OUT of mah belly!

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