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I Feel Guilty That I Get Pregnant Easily

Photograph by Twenty20

There are so many couples who struggle with infertility. My heart breaks for them, but I cannot relate. I attribute my strong fertility to luck. I happened to find the person I wanted to have kids with fairly young, we are both quite healthy, and those factors combined with some sort of magical alignment of the stars have given us two beautiful boys on the first try. I am one of those women who gets pregnant with ease and I feel extremely guilty about it.

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I actually always assumed I would have at least a little trouble getting pregnant. I think because I had heard of others having a hard time and because I figured that irony was how the world worked, I had spent 12 years doing everything I could to avoid pregnancy. I was so incredibly shocked when I got pregnant the first time, I still can't believe my good fortune. The second time around I told myself that first time was a fluke and prepared for months of trying. Zero months passed and right along with the joy and gratitude of that positive test was a sadness that it can't be that way for everyone.

When pregnancy is hard won you often hear how cherished that baby is because its parents tried so hard to make it happen.

Struggling to get pregnant seems to be a common topic of discussion among moms and those hoping to be moms one day. In these conversations I simply keep my mouth shut. I wish I had something helpful to say, some piece of advice or encouragement. But nobody wants to hear from the woman who somehow won the fertility jackpot. I wish so badly that it could be easy for every woman. When close friends and family face these heart-wrenching difficulties I just want to hide in shame. Why should I get all the luck? I am no more deserving of motherhood than they are. I want to help and yet I can't find a way.

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When pregnancy is hard won you often hear how cherished that baby is because its parents tried so hard to make it happen. That baby's beginnings were fueled by so many prayers, wishes, tears, and sacrifices. While this wasn't my experience, I did hope and dream for my pregnancies, and I am eternally grateful for my blessings and good fortune.

Thankfully the amount of love you feel for your child is not dependent on how much you struggle to get them. And while I can't relate to the heartbreak of infertility, I can totally understand why so many couples go through so much in their quest to create a family.

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