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One friend confided that she was shocked by the amount of gas she had during
her pregnancy. To avoid "making a stink" in her workplace, she'd sink to all
fours and do cat-cow yoga poses in her office to try and get all the farts out.
While she was pregnant, her swollen vulva was "reminiscent of a baboon."
we often hear about the swollen feet that can accompany late pregnancy, sometimes
other things swell up, too. One mom told me that while she was pregnant, her swollen
vulva was "reminiscent of a baboon."
pregnancy, I noticed my armpits emitted a more pungent scent than usual, but it
turns out that smelly parts aren't limited to underarms. One mom related the
following story: "There was some funky swamp action smell going on in the crack
of my ass. Not exactly poo smell, not exactly that not-so-fresh banjingo smell—I swear, it was emanating from my taint." Bewildered, she asked her ob-gyn
about it. "I said, 'Listen, there is something going on down there that can only
be described as Swamp Butt. Is this normal?' And my adorable 60something-year-old awesome ob-gyn tried really hard not to laugh, and answered, 'Yes, completely
normal—some women have a change in pH and I bet that's what it is.'"
Another friend was
stunned by the amount of liquid that erupted when her water broke. "I just kept
yelling at everyone to clean it up, and every time I moved, more water would
come out. I stood up at one point after seemingly gallons of water had already
come out and GUSH—water all over the floor, too." She says that to this day,
the feeling of her vagina morphing into a rushing fire hydrant remains her most
vivid memory of labor.
"Honey, that's not poop. That's your baby."
of things being expelled during childbirth—sometimes you poop. Other times, you
just feel like you're going to poop. As
I writhed around during the delivery of my second child, at one point I announced,
"I'm gonna poop!"
A seasoned nurse replied, "Honey, that's not poop. That's
That's right—just before I first met my beautiful daughter,
I was convinced she was a rapidly descending turd.
Just when you think you're done with the excruciating work of labor comes what
my brother-in-law refers to as the "filet mignon." One friend colorfully
described the squishy post-birth expulsion by saying, "It felt like diarrhea
coming out of my cooch."
first time I hobbled to the bathroom to pee after giving birth, I was alarmed
to look into my underpants and find … one of my kidneys? A second fetus that
hadn't fully developed and was now leaking out? Fearing my very life force was
leaking out of my baby-hole, I called a nurse in to examine the fist-sized organ
in my panties.
"Oh, that's just a blood clot," she said. I recalled how my husband once
told me that as a kid, one of the worst insults in his and his
friends' arsenal was to call each other a "vagina blood fart." Though at the
time it was an abstract insult, it turns out to completely describe the horror
show I discovered in my post-birth mesh panties.
The Psycho Shower
Similarly, another friend described the duality of her first shower after
delivering her son. "It was quite possibly the best shower I've ever taken,
while also being the most Texas Chainsaw Massacre-y. Horrible things were
falling out of my body and streaming around my feet, but that steady rain of
hot water on my shoulders was heaven on a &*$!ing stick."
of my buddies declared that the biggest surprise for her was "the gag-inducing
smell of my bloody vag every time I sat down to pee." You know the less-than-fresh scent that occurs during a period? Imagine that magnified by 1000. Several
ladies added that they were unpleasantly surprised when the nurse introduced
them to the peri bottle, and by the pivotal role the peri bottle played in the
days after birth. "I felt like the peri should've at least offered to buy me a
drink first," one mom said.
While there are plenty of other disgusting parts of labor
and birth, I don't want to totally ruin the mystique. After all, pregnancy and childbirth are truly the most stanky, swollen, vagina blood fart natural, magical things.