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Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Baby-Making Questions

Photograph by HBO

There are no shortage of annoying questions and comments when you're trying to get pregnant. Here are some of the sarcastic things you're thinking to yourself (but probably shouldn't say aloud):

So what's new with you guys…Any plans to have children?

What's new is that question… after five years of marriage we've never heard that before! Actually, we never really got married. That was just a sham ceremony for my mother.

Gosh, we're sooooo busy. We have so many plans. On Monday we're going to the ballet. On Tuesday to the opera. Wednesday morning I have to go to the post office to order more stamps. After that, maybe I'll go to the dentist and get a root canal.. .and hey, where are you going? We were talking!

Are you even trying to get pregnant?

What do you mean by "trying?" You mean kissing, right?

Yes, it's very trying. S/he's really getting on my nerves lately.

With him? No, but my office lover is amazing in bed.

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Why do you think you can't get pregnant?

Years of sex, drugs and, well, more drugs?

I'm afraid of getting fat like you.

Oh, I keep getting pregnant but I'm waiting for the exact right baby before I keep one.

Do you think you should be eating/drinking/doing that?

What? No one told me getting hammered is a problem.

Last time I took drugs, in college, I got pregnant.

I'm shoving this in my mouth to suffocate my intense feelings of grief.

Are you sure you really want to have kids?

I was thinking of taking your husband instead, he's so immature.

You know what? You're right. We just spent $100,000 on treatments but now that you mention it, why bother? We should just get a dog.

I'll admit that spending time with yours does give us pause.

You must be so happy your sister is expecting!

Overjoyed. (blank stare)

Overjoyed. (Crazy Eyes Smile)

Overjoyed. (point finger gun to head)

I went on vacation and got pregnant. Just relax and it will work out!

You're right, I should find sticking myself with needles and hopping myself up on hormones super relaxing.

Sex is so much fun on a schedule, especially the tenth time it doesn't result in a pregnancy.

Where did you go? Can you send us there too?

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I guess everything happens for a reason.

And I'm still trying to figure out why you were put on this planet.

I'm still trying to figure out the reason I'm still talking to you.

What's the reason I can't have a baby? Are you saying I'm too unpredictable?? (Throw your punch in his face). Too violent? (Throw a punch in his face).

Maybe you should just be grateful for what you have?

Nah, we hate each other by this point.

Gosh, I'm grateful I'm not married to someone like you.

I will be grateful…. as soon as I have a baby.

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