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Ahh the birth story. When I was pregnant I didn't want to hear anyone's birth story because, frankly, I was way freaked out. But now that my son is here, I totally understand why one would be compelled to share this tale of terror.
So sit back and listen to my story, then I want to hear your birth story. Tell us in as much detail as you want in the comments. How often do you get to tell the tale of the most badass thing your body has ever done? Expectant moms, brace yourselves and remember: forewarned is forearmed and nothing will go as planned, so don't worry about it.
My son was set to arrive at 7:30 a.m. on July 20, 2015 via c-section. I felt good about knowing when he was coming and when his birthday would be but, as the saying goes, we make plans and God laughs.
I imagined that the night before the big day my husband and I would be nervous and unable to sleep before we headed over to the hospital at 5:30 a.m. I was worried how hungry and thirsty I would be from having nothing to eat or drink eight hours before the surgery. I was antsy but I felt good having a small measure of control.
On Tuesday evening, a week before my scheduled c-section, my husband and I were in bed watching "The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon." I was taking one of my frequent bathroom breaks when my husband called out to me, "Oh your boyfriend Paul Rudd is on!" He knows how much I love that tiny man so I finished peeing (as if you ever really finish peeing when you're nine months pregnant, you might as well live in the bathroom).
Paul started telling a story about his junk falling out of his shorts on a film set and I had to pee again, but I guess his story moved something deep inside of me because instead of peeing, my water broke. When I informed my husband that my water had broken, he responded with, "Are you sure? You don't sound sure."
That was the moment when I realized why women become increasingly angry at their husbands during labor. "Yes I'm f&%$ing sure! Call the hospital!"
He called the hospital and they told us to come in with a reminder to come through the emergency room entrance due to construction. We had pre-registered so we knew exactly where the entrance was, we were so ready! Except I hadn't finished packing my hospital bag so I waddled around with a towel between my legs, shouting things like, "I need my iPad!" and "Get the damn chargers, all the chargers!"
The woman at the desk said the worst thing I have ever heard, "Oh honey, you are at the wrong hospital, this is the VA."
As we drove to the hospital, I sat comfortably on a plastic garbage bag my husband had thoughtfully put down on the seat so as not to ruin the upholstery. I began to feel some cramping, which I later realized were contractions. I moaned, I groaned, and told my husband to hurry the eff up. We pulled up to the hospital and the emergency entrance looked different than I remembered from our pre-registration.
"This looks weird, are you sure this is the right entrance?"
"Yes I'm sure! We were here before remember?" I got out of the car and told him to go find parking. I walked up to the reception desk, with the towel between my legs and my soaked dress.
"My water just broke and I think I'm in labor!"
The woman at the desk said the worst thing I have ever heard, "Oh honey, you are at the wrong hospital, this is the VA." It was not the first time I have wanted to kill my husband and I'm sure it won't be the last but it was definitely the only time his life was truly in danger. Security sensed his imminent demise, probably because I was screaming to him across the lobby,
"You brought me to the wrong [expletive] hospital you [expletive]! What the [expletive] is wrong with you?!!"
They kept saying they had to ask the anesthesiologist. My doctor was on vacation. Everything was just going so wrong.
Luckily, the security guard had the presence of mind to stuff me into a tiny wheelchair sized for a shrunken WWII veteran and wheeled me over to the correct entrance of our hospital, a block away. As the cramping increased my level of panic also started rising at an alarming rate. I had planned for a c-section, not a natural childbirth.
No one was sure if they would be able to do the c-section because I had eaten dinner just a few hours before. They kept saying they had to ask the anesthesiologist. My doctor was on vacation.
Everything was just going so wrong.
We didn't have the camera charged up so my husband didn't bring it. One of the nurses asked if I wanted to forgo my elective c-section and try for a vaginal birth. "No!" I screamed. "I want my c-section!" The anesthesiologist finally made her way into the room and assured us we would be able to go ahead as planned.
They wheeled me into the operating room and administered the spinal anesthesia. After that I only have my husband's account and an iPhone video of what happened next.
I had a panic attack on the table because I felt like I couldn't breathe as a side effect of the anesthesia, at which point they gave me something for the anxiety which really relaxed me and prompted me to tell stories about how much spinach I ate while pregnant even though it was "So disgusting" and to ask questions like, "Hey doc, do you guys do it in the on-call room like on 'Grey's Anatomy'?" As they sliced me open I also begged them to delay the cord cutting because, "I read he'll be smarter in 4th grade."
Then I gave a bunch of shout-outs.
My son arrived with no problems shortly after 2 a.m. and the next thing I remember is waking up and shaking like a leaf, then him snuggling up to me and nursing for the first time.
I know some people would have hated my experience and having so few memories of his actual birth, but not me! As I said on the birth video, "I love drugs."
He's here and he's healthy and happy.
And I do have a video of my first words to him. I said, "You know, what? I love you." Followed by, "F&%!, this hurts." The miracle of childbirth!
Now dear readers, get to scribing your birth tales in the comments, best story gets a t-shirt that says "I Gave Birth and All I got Was This Lousy Baby."