Everyone talks about all the same parts of pregnancy: feeling the baby move, morning sickness, swollen feet, ultrasound pics, gender-reveal parties or peeing in the middle of the night.
But no one tells you about the embarrassing parts: the giant moles that will grow on you, the hemorrhoids, the mood-changing labia.
Yup, you read that right, and no, I'm not smoking anything funny.
Here are the things that only your very close girlfriends might reveal to you and that pregnancy books will only display in the back of the book (or in small letters).
1. Hemorrhoids the size of a prune or, worse, a golf ball
I remember the day I felt that hemorrhoid. I thought that a part of my colon was dangling from my rear end. That, or I had another anus or a tail. I was pretty sure I was going to die or have a tail for the rest of my life. I'm not talking about a cute, fake Playboy bunny tail — I'm talking about the tail of my intestines.
Thankfully, I was wrong on all scary accounts.
When I asked my then-husband to take a look, it was revealed: My very first hemorrhoid. How sweet. It was then that I enjoyed a sitz bath for the first time. Truly, nothing like the joys of pregnancy, eh?
To my ex-husband, viewing that was payback for a few things … but thanks for doing the job, anyway!
I bet your friends won't be chatting at the gender-reveal party about how their labia changed colors during pregnancy!
2. Moles that grow like fungus on moldy cheese
I had had a rough pregnancy thanks to hyperemesis gravidarum, so my husband at the time did not want to tell me about the other planet containing human and alien life forms on my back, aka the brand-spanking-new mole that grew out of nowhere.
I went to the doctor who revealed to me that, alas, this was normal. Just ducky. What else could be stranger?
3. Zits that make you say, "Hi, pizza face!"
Thankfully, by the beginning of the second trimester, I was starting to climb out of the horrific breakouts and acne that the first trimester had brought me. As if HG wasn't bad enough, I was feeling like a hormonal teenager all first trimester long with my connect-the-dots cheeks. With each puke that came out of my body, another zit grew. I was beginning to feel like it was some curse from an ex-boyfriend.
Truly, pregnancy is quite the bitch.
4. Bra sizes I never dreamed of
Once I hit about week 10 of pregnancy, my already robust breasts had a whole other plan. Those babies were growing as if they had their own oxygen supply separate from my body's. (Or maybe just maybe, those breast exercises I did as a kid were paying off again, triply.)
Suddenly, there I am, in a specialty store buying bras from a woman named Marge in sizes like "H" and "I." Oh, and let's not forget "J," for when the milk comes in.
Of course, when the milk came in, nothing would fit. That day, I looked like a bloated and fatigued porn star in a maternity nightgown that had flowers all over it, like "Little House on the Prairie" garb. It was the worst look I ever sported, minus most of what I wore in the years 1991–1994.
5. Labia that changed colors with every mood
I bet your friends won't be chatting at the gender-reveal party about how their labia changed colors or grew spots or moles during pregnancy!
Yeah, little did you know that your labia are quite the color-changing hippie, thanks to increased blood flow during pregnancy. After pregnancy, your labia may go back to normal, or they may not.
When I took a look, it required me to ask my very attractive dermatologist if this was normal, which required him to take a look. I'm still recovering, years later.
On that note, happy pregnancies for all of you carrying! Better you than me.