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This Is What a Hipster Birth Plan Looks Like

Photograph by Twenty20

Dear Birth Plan Team,

Thank you in advance for being here to assist us in getting this baby out. She's been cramped far too long in my uterus, which is only slightly smaller than a NYC apartment.

The following are our desires for the birth. If there's an emergency that requires deviation, please ask my husband because today, I will not be wearing the pants in the family. I will not be wearing anything, as I will be in a birthing tub. I may wear pants if I'm walking down the halls. It'll depend on my mood, which may be highly volatile at this time.

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Please note I am Group B strep positive. Because of that, I will start hep-loc upon arrival and receive antibiotics as needed. Along with that, I would like intermittent, minimal fetal monitoring. I will also be wearing headphones and an eye mask as much as I can. I want to make the most of my stay away from laundry and doing the dishes. If you have manicures and pedicures available, that would be great.

My husband thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, and because I want him to continue thinking that, I will forego the hospital gown and wear something sexy that I brought from home.

As soon as she's born, I would like to initiate skin-to-skin and become maniacally protective to set the pattern for the duration of her life.

I'm not religious, but I do follow the Whole-Foods-Granola-Crunching philosophy. However, I do at times embrace gluten with corn syrup, and high trans fat. Please don't tell anyone on Facebook because it will tarnish my carefully crafted image. I want to keep things as natural as possible which means: no epidural or pain medication, no episiotomy, and no unnecessary internal exams. Please don't even mention it to me, or else I might say yes, especially if there is sugar-coated gluten accompanying it. Also, please don't mention the blasphemous "C" word' as it is against my previously mentioned philosophy.

If a C-section, induction, or vacuum extraction seems necessary, I would first like to try nipple stimulation, clitoral stimulation or sexual intercourse. Those things work rather well and have led to this moment. I 'm also open to using a birthing ball, hot showers, cursing loudly, and any suggestions as per my doula, Laura. If all these fail, then please practice the philosophy of Western Medicine.

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My husband wants to live out his fantasy of being an NFL player and will catch her when she comes out. He'll also cut the cord, after it has stopped pulsating. We really don't want to enact a scene from the "Aliens" movie series.

As soon as she's born, I would like to initiate skin-to-skin and become maniacally protective to set the pattern for the duration of her life. I want to start breastfeeding quickly and have her in my room at all times. If she must leave for testing, Baby Daddy will go with her. She can have eye drops and Vitamin K, but do not administer the Hepatitis B vaccine. I don't plan on letting her use intravenous drugs or being sexually active any time soon.

Please only use water to bathe her. Chemicals will prevent her from receiving the "Certified Organic" stamp.

With all our Love and Gratitude,

Supriya & Sashi

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