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Why You Should Never Grocery Shop While Pregnant. Ever.

Photograph by Twenty20

Today I went grocery shopping—a task I've been avoiding with a vengeance since the sight of food started making me nauseous approximately 11 weeks ago. First trimester food aversions hit me hard and the thought of shopping for food, not to mention preparing it, usually sent me over the edge. My poor family has endured many an oven pizza and countless sandwiches during this season of our lives.

But lately I'm finding myself craving a few non-cracker foods. The daily pregnancy app on my phone also keeps reminding me about how important nutrition is and, not-so-subtly, pushing probiotics and protein into its daily blurb. These things, combined with the fact that my 4-year-old ate saltines with jelly and a glass of milk for breakfast today made it clear that the time to shop had come.

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In my former non-pregnant life I was one of those odd ducks that actually enjoyed grocery shopping. Being a teacher, I'm usually meticulous about meal planning, making a list, shopping and prepping on Saturday and I'm set for the week ahead. I even choose to bring my child to the store with me... crazy, I know.

That was before.

Today my pregnant self hit the bargain grocery store first with no food in our cupboards at home and no list in my hand. As I entered the store for the first real time in weeks I found a kind of thrill go down my spine. Food was sounding good again. I was surrounded by options! The world was my oyster!

What happened next, I'm not proud of.

I have to explain myself by saying I was not of sound mind. Something came over me and I went from the list Nazi to some out of control ADD child who was let free in a gas station food mart with a $10 bill.

In my defense, I did have some thought process about my choices. A thorough internal dialogue which included:

"Instant Chocolate Breakfast! What a great idea for those mornings when I can't stomach real food! Plus my kid is always begging for chocolate milk. This $10.99 value pack of 40 servings is kind of big but such a steal! I haven't had this in years but I'm sure I still like it."

"Chocolate yogurt looks kind of like the pudding I already put in the cart. It has WAY more calories but it's Greek, right? So that means tons of protein. Yogurt has probiotics too, I think. That nagging woman on my video pregnancy app is always yapping about probiotics. SOLD!"

I don't know. It was something very exotic. I'll buy these for now and look it up later.

"Organic lemon cookie bites?! Heck yes! I really don't need treats around but these are so tiny... plus they're made with organic wheat! And I can't really leave them behind for 99 cents."

"Skinny Cow candy bars? I've only ever seen the ice cream sandwiches. Only 110 calories per bar. I mean, that's like less than half the calories of a Snickers bar...which I never buy, but if I'm craving sweets It would be the smart choice to have a low- calorie option on hand."

"This spreadable pub cheese would be an easy snack if I don't feel like cooking. Plus cheese equals protein! Oh... only 1 gram? What, do they like extract the protein when they turn it into the spreadable form?! Dumb! Ah well, I really need something to help me get through all those saltines in the pantry."

RELATED: How Pregnant Moms Really Deal With Morning Sickness

"Rosemary ciabatta rolls? Where have you been all my life? Let me just smell the bag. Damn, that's good! I think I remember watching Giada on the Food Network make something with this kind of bread. Maybe grilled with havarti cheese and a peach? I don't know. It was something very exotic. I'll buy these for now and look it up later."

I could go on. Even my 4-year old was looking at me in an odd, "What's wrong with my mom?" sort of way. He definitely took advantage of my state of mind and slipped more than one treat into that cart.

I checked out feeling pretty proud of myself. I had conquered the grocery store. I had filled my cart and done my parental duty. After relying on others for so long to help out on this front, it felt good to start pulling my weight again.

It wasn't until I got home and unpacked my bags. It wasn't until my husband asked excitedly, "So... what's for dinner?!" that I realized what I'd done. He looked at me questioningly as I blankly stared back at him. He repeated his question, this time with more hesitance. "Um... dinner?"

"Crackers with pub cheese?"

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