My son is 3 months old now, and I’m still recovering from the shitshow that was my life in the third trimester. Those three months are the bane of every pregnant woman’s existence, but by the end of it I had figured out 15 key ways to keep myself from driving my car off a bridge in a desperate attempt to escape the misery.
They are, in no particular order:
1. Collect pillows until a family member calls that "Hoarders" show to do an intervention. You'll need a minimum of three of those suckers or you're not sleeping again until first day of kindergarten drop-off.
2. Invest in Tums. Meaning, have at least 2 pounds on hand at all times. Considering the capital outlay on these anti-acid tablets, go ahead and buy stock, too.
3. Water bill be damned, stand for an hour in the shower and/or soak in the bathtub three times a day. You’re repopulating Earth after all. If anyone deserves to use up all its water, it’s you.
4. Wear slip-on shoes. Every day. There’s no need to make your existence harder than it already is, pride be damned.
5. Pass gas and poop, and do whatever it takes to make it happen. Coffee? Bottoms up. Fish oil? Cheers. Enema? Do what you gotta do to doo-doo.
Date your partner.
6. Get your hair cut. You'll feel prettier, it’ll be months before you get the chance to do it again—and hello, scalp massage!
7. Indulge. I know, I know, you’re watching what you eat. But find something semi-healthy to treat yourself to every day. Don’t deny yourself hot fudge if it calls.
8. Stock up on maternity skirts and leggings. The third trimester is not the time to try and rock cute skinny jeans or cut-off shorts, unless you enjoy saggy crotches. Stick with the clothes that that stick up for themselves.
9. Drink. Most doctors and midwives agree that one glass of wine, once a week or so, is perfectly fine, despite the fact that most Americans will judge you for it anyway. Don’t you have some French ancestry somewhere down the line?
10. Date your partner. A lot. I hate to be the buzzkill that reminds you of how long it will be before you get a romantic evening again after the baby comes, but … yeah.
The world will never again be as nice to you as they are right now, so you might as well milk it.
11. Buy a few ridiculous baby items that no infant in the history of ever has either wanted or needed: oversized fake flowers for her head, knee socks and useless shoes for his chubby legs. The less sense it makes, the more oddly happy you will feel. Just go with it.
12. Watch terrible '90s pregnancy movies like "Nine Months" or "Look Who’s Talking," while your husband massages your restless legs.
13. Keep exercising and you’ll feel great. (Or so I've heard. I have no personal experience with this.)
RELATED: 5 Reasons the Third Trimester Rocks
14. Let people open doors and lift not-so-heavy things for you. The world will never again be as nice to you as they are right now, so you might as well milk it.
15. Stop following the preggies on Instagram who have too many white walls and succulents. Just stick to your best friend’s dark and blurry pictures of her hemorrhoid medicine and comment with a wine glass emoji of solidarity.