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6 Things I Totally Don't Miss About Being Pregnant

Photograph by Twenty20

It’s been nearly five years since I was pregnant with my youngest. And though I’m grateful to have experienced the womanly miracle of pregnancy and childbirth, I feel even more blessed to have that era firmly behind me. Here are 6 things I totally don’t miss about being knocked up.

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1. Super Smell

One morning in early pregnancy I woke up with a super power I’d never yearned for: I could smell ALL THE THINGS. This might not have been so bad, except that not once did I ever detect something delightful, like a honeysuckle rising into bloom just down the street or the gentle, earthy scent of impending rain. Instead, my nose seemed to be constantly saying, Someone on this block just shit their pants. Or, Damn, my husband ate a meatball sandwich for lunch again.

By the third trimester, I daydreamed of being induced into a pregnancy coma, where I could just hover in sweet unconsciousness until the incubation was over.

2. Hurlfest

What exactly is the evolutionary purpose of making life-givers feel ‘round the clock nausea? How does it make sense that the thought of vegetables sent me running for the toilet, while I nourished the sweet life inside me through a steady stream of tater tots and ice cream? I definitely don’t miss the four months I spent embracing the toilet, discovering the vibrant golden hue of my own bile.

3. Anxiety Central

Pregnancy was like a heaping dose of steroids for my anxiety. When unpleasant ailments like the constant nausea ebbed, I’d become certain that something was terribly awry. I’m not hurling—oh, no, I must be having a miscarriage! From health concerns to worrying ceaselessly about whether my baby registry was appropriately comprehensive, I was basically on DEFCON 1 until my baby was born.

4. My Changing Body

While I enjoyed watching my belly bloom like a slowly inflating balloon, other changes were decidedly unsettling. For instance, the way my nipples turned a disturbing shade of charcoal, or the way my boobs became a map of startlingly green veins, or how my pelvic floor seemed to totally give up halfway through my pregnancy (It’s all downhill from here, honey, so we’re just going to chillax for the duration.)

5. Never Felt Worse

While some women say they've never felt better than they have during pregnancy, others, like moi, become plagued by an endless assortment of maladies, as if my body was allergic to being pregnant. After the nausea finally dissipated, I developed sciatica, which shot a cool, stabbing pain down my left butt cheek and thigh every time I moved. My blood pressure sunk so low that sometimes I got dizzy when I was sitting, and I spent most of my prenatal yoga classes cowering in child’s pose so as to stay conscious. Then there was the anemia, the UTIs and the mysterious eye infection. By the third trimester, I daydreamed of being induced into a pregnancy coma, where I could just hover in sweet unconsciousness until the incubation was over.

6. Toilet Paper Patrol

Finally, I don’t miss the unbearable anticipation of that last stretch of pregnancy, wondering when my baby was going to make his debut. I don’t pine for the days of squinting down at my own used toilet paper on the hunt for the elusive mucous plug, or wondering if that damp sensation was my water breaking or just a defeated dribble of urine.

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For some of us, pregnancy isn’t a mystical glow-fest of warm fuzzies. It’s more like a marathon that must be run ... and run ... for nine long, aching months until finally, you get the baby trophy at the end.

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