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The 6 Stages of Naming Your Baby

Photograph by Twenty20

Congratulations, you're pregnant! You've dreamed of naming your offspring since you first got a baby doll and you've gone through countless eras of names throughout the years. There was the time you planned to name all your children with names beginning with the letter V followed by the years you swore you'd name your first born after your high school best friend. And then there was that unfortunate time frame where you went with making up your own "unique" names.

But that was all kid stuff. Now you're an adult and you get to actually name your own little human the perfect baby name you've been saving up all these years.

If you're lucky enough to have an extremely agreeable partner, or if you, by some miracle, have managed to be with someone who has the exact same name taste as you, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU. Your life is perfect and you can stop reading here. For the rest of us, read on to see the six stages you'll go through in this trek to name perfection.

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Now you're finally ready to put that name to use on your perfect baby. The name gives you chills and makes your heart race—it's that amazing. You've envisioned calling it out in the yard and whispering it when you give kisses goodnight. You haven't told your significant other yet, but that's just a formality, really. How could anyone not love this name and recognize its perfection at first mention?


"What do you mean, NO?!" is all you can say after your baby daddy vetoes the name of your dreams. How does he have the right? He didn't even consider it as a suggestion! He wouldn't even add it to the "maybe" column! What a stubborn ass! Why did you ever even decide to procreate with this human?!

Even trying to think of other options makes you feel like you're "cheating" on that beautiful name you've been planning for so long.


Maybe he'll come around. Don't lose hope, you tell yourself. You won't push it for now. Maybe you'll suggest honoring his mother with a middle name that happens to go perfectly with your first choice. Or you can just start suggesting lots of awful names. Names so ugly he's sure to come around to the "right" one. He really doesn't want to find out the gender. If you cave on that front, he owes you!


You will never get to use the name you've planned for so long and fallen in love with. Your child will end up with a homely name that you'll hardly be able to force yourself to utter. Even trying to think of other options makes you feel like you're "cheating" on that beautiful name you've been planning for so long.


This is the way that it is. No sense in spending more time obsessing over what can't be. You'll just go back to the drawing board. Obviously the name you were planning is not going to be a go, and even if he gave in, would you really want to name your child something that your partner hates? While no name will equal your original plan, you can come up with something that you both love.

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So you found it...your baby's perfect name. How amazing is it that you somehow—paired with an opinionated partner, no less—discovered the one name that would fit your child so accurately? Now watching your baby sleep you can't even imagine calling that sweet thing anything else. Pretty great how this all worked out, right?

Now time to start brainstorming for the next one...

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