Pregnancy is a beautiful time. A time where your body takes on mesmerizing and seemingly miraculous transformations which leave you in awe of the human body and its ability to produce another human life. It’s a time when you feel full of womanhood and strength as you witness the bounty of your uterus and feel connected to its life inside you.
It is also a time when you swear you're dying. Like:
1. When your heartburn is so bad you swear you need open heart surgery on the spot
You only ate ONE corndog. So the only explanation for the chest pain is that you are having a heart attack.
2. When you get stabbing pains in your vagina
It’s not just the pain that's like a dagger in your crotch or a steel-toed boot to your hoo-hah that makes you nearly drop to the floor in piercing agony, it’s also not knowing what the hell is doing that. Because what is that? And why is it attacking your vagine? Kegels are no defense. It’s like a ghost is jabbing an uppercut into your lady lotus flower.
3. When your gas pains are so bad that you feel like you’ve been javelined through the abdomen or pumped so full of helium you may burst
There’s already limited space in there, ain’t nobody got time for gas to push its way up in there. You want nothing more than to open the valve and deflate. Farting has never felt so good, and you have never been so cavalier about farting.
4. When your baby kicks your spleen
Or any other organ. It’s sharp and comes out of nowhere, and it’s so jarring and unexpected that you blurt out, “Tell my family I love them!” as you double over with the jolt.
You are green with nausea, you can’t hold anything down, you have broken out in the sweats. The smell of tuna fish turns you inside out. You swear you must have eaten a batch of salmonella-infected spinach or you’ve contracted malaria from a public toilet. Either way, you only have days left to live.
6. Sciatica pain
Did I just get hit by lightning in my ass? Or was I secretly implanted with a taser rod that runs down my thigh? Who is this evil Sciatica? And what does he want from me?
This could easily have been a medieval torture method. The pain will bring you to tears.
7. When your ankles disappear
This is the beginning of the end. When you can no longer see your leg wrists. This is the point in which you feel you are being enveloped by your own body and will eventually be swallowed up, like a slippery water weenie, from the outside in, never to be seen again, gulped up by flesh and fluid.
8. Kidney stones
Pregnant women are more prone to kidney stones because they are more easily dehydrated. So, basically, here, you go through all the labor pains, sans epidural, and more just to give birth to a tiny calcium asshole pebble. No coos, no adorable pudgy folds and definitely no baby smell.
If you are one of those women who get migraines during pregnancy, you likely lie in a dark room contemplating which hurts your head more, this level-10-intensity pregnancy-induced headache or getting hit square in the temple with a 7-iron.
10. When you have to fast before you go in to drink the glucose test
Everyone knows that pregnant woman are hangry 85 percent of the time. So when you tell a pregnant lady to not eat for 12 hours, you can only imagine the pain, the sheer agony and emotional hell that she experiences. How is she to eat her feelings? How is she to satiate the nausea? How will she live???
11. When you have to poop with hemorrhoids
This could easily have been a medieval torture method. The pain will bring you to tears. Your family will hear war cries from the bathroom. You will pass out shortly after the deed is done.
12. When you can’t have the whiskey
When you are cranky, emotional, uncomfortable, heartburny, short of breath, with feet so swollen they look like loaves of ciabatta bread and you can’t bend over to pick up the pile of broccoli tots that you so lovingly made and that your 4-year-old has now dumped on the ground, a triple shot of whiskey is all that could possibly save you. And you cannot have it. Goodbye, cruel world.
13. When you see the mucous plug
When you happen to see the bloody gelatinous mass that has fallen from your lady cavity, you question your belonging to your species and wonder if this is a consequence/late symptom of something you unknowingly picked up in your wild and free 20s.
When you feel like a wrecking ball is on the loose inside you and you are being crushed and stretched and tested well beyond your pain threshold, it’s all you can do to keep conscious. You’ve never felt such intense pain, but you push through like a f***ing soldier because you know that if you can manage to hang on, you end up with double the life. Literally.
15. When you see the baby
Once you’ve managed to stay alive through all the physical and emotional challenges and aches and pains, you are given the ultimate reward. Your beautiful perfect child. You are mesmerized. And you no longer think you are dying. No, you are sure you have just died and gone to heaven because the bliss and love and joy you feel is completely otherwordly. And you have in your arms, a real, live angel.