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17 Ways Your Baby Bump Can Actually Be Useful

Photograph by Andrea Wada Davies

You’re pregnant. And it shows. You’re excited about the bundle that will be entering your life just months down the road, but you’re also uncomfortable, bloated, and you really miss sushi. You can’t do some of the things you could do before simply because, well, you have a basketball for a belly and how are you supposed to work with that? Let’s look on the bright side, shall we? Soon, that belly will yield a dreamy, beautiful baby. But while that little bun is baking in there, believe it or not, that bump can actually be quite useful. Let us count the ways.

1. Table

You don’t need no stinking table. You can eat breakfast in bed, on the couch, in a car, in a damn canoe! You have a built-in table tray made available at all times of the day. Sure, it can’t house a 5-course meal, but it can comfortably hold a large bowl of rocky road ice cream. And that’s all you really need it to hold, anyway.

2. Clothes valet

Don’t have a hanger handy? Lay that freshly pressed shirt across your bump while you do whatever. You gave up on wearing clothes that needed to be ironed when you decided to have kids. You’re all about that Tide Wrinkle Relaxer now, and cotton jersey. But your belly does work well as a surface area on which you can line up, lay out and match mismatched socks.

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3. Excuse to get out of things

If you ever needed an excuse to get out of going to a Younique party, a body wrap informational session or even a PTA meeting, now you have it. In physical-proof form. And when asked if you can attend, no words even need to be uttered. Just point, shrug your shoulders and then make any type of confusing (and likely cringeworthy) “Sorry, can't” face.

4. Halloween costume prop

No more boring witch or cat costume for you. And “I don’t have a costume” is no option. Come on, you’ve got a sweet built-in costume this year! And the possibilities are endless. It’s an instant beer belly, sports ball, pumpkin, fish bowl. Adorn it, dress it up—hell, paint David Hasselhoff’s face on it! You have never owned Halloween like this before.

5. Pillow for your toddler

Need a handy sleep aid for your toddler? Simply present the belly. Not to mention the heat your body emanates these days, like a loaf of bread fresh out of the oven. Put your young child next to you. Get her all snuggled up, head on your belly pillow cradled slightly by the extra cushion you’ve developed everywhere else and you’ll be hearing those sweet toddler zzz's in no time.

With great baby bump comes great power and priority.

6. Stain, bad hair, pimple, boobs decoy

These days, however you feel about your bump, it’s definitely a scene stealer. It’s headlining your appearance and without even trying it instantly draws attention away from everything else that you don’t have the time or desire to care so much about these days. So that no one really notices the dot-to-dot melasma scene on your face or that you haven’t washed your hair in four days or even your newly developed triple-D boobs.

7. Geography teaching aid

Have slightly older kids? Draw a world map on your belly. Instant globe. Do they know where Myanmar is? Now they will.

8. Window cleaner

Wear a terry cloth shirt, put on some Bruno Mars and go shimmy up on those windows. Kill the exercise bird and the cleaning bird with one big round belly stone.

9. Hiding place for small kids and chocolate

Yeah, you’ve got serious girth, girl. And there ain’t no hiding it. So you may as well use it to hide other things, such as children during a friendly game of hide-and-seek, the remote from your husband and a healthy stash of chocolate, of course.

10. Priority seating

With great baby bump comes great power and priority. Use it to move total strangers up out of their seats. If they don’t move immediately, they will after they hear you mutter something like, “I feel like my water is about to break right now.”

11. Evoke sympathy

Don’t feel like putting the kids to bed? Making dinner? Momming? Stick that bump out a little bit farther, and begin to describe in detail, the pain from your hemorrhoids, your severe gas or your current bout of heavy discharge. You’ll get a quick and easy pass to either retire to your room or meet up with a girlfriend with whom you can discuss these symptoms.

12. Excuse to rage

It’s a good visual reminder for all who are subjected to any angry outburst of all the crazy-ass hormones swirling inside you that are making you lose your shit at any moment.

13. Ultimate reason to get out of carrying heavy objects (AKA your toddler)

Shut down your 3-year-old’s pleas to be carried with a simple, “Mommy can’t carry you. It will hurt the baby.”

14. Crumb catcher

The floor around your setting at the table is a whole lot cleaner these days. Your belly as a crumb catcher is almost as handy as something you would buy late night on QVC. Bread crumbs fall from a sandwich? No problem! Crumbling crust from a ravenous bite of pizza? Caught it! And cleanup is a breeze! Simply stand up, walk to the kitchen and brush it all into a trash can. It’s just that simple!

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15. Piñata mold

Need a piñata for your kid or co-worker’s birthday party? All you need is newspaper, water and glue and your belly. Humpty Dumpty piñata, coming right up!

16. Stress ball/Good luck charm

Stressed out? A few minutes of circular rubs to that smooth, taut belly is surprisingly calming. And of course that belly rub can only urge you to remember that a beautiful baby is on its way. And what could be luckier than a belly that’s housing a developing little human? Rub that thing before an important meeting, a big test, or before you hit the blackjack table.

17. Happiness reminder

Every time you see that boulder of a belly when you look into a mirror or look down to pull up your elastic waist pants, when you bump it into a wall or have to reach around it to put on your shoes, you can’t help but be happy. You're instantly reminded that despite the heartburn, swollen feet and stretch marks, life is really wonderful. Every annoyance is put into perspective and you are instantly filled with gratitude and excitement to meet this little rascal that is sure to be the light of your life. Belly bump to that!

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