You’re pregnant. And it shows. You’re excited about the
bundle that will be entering your life just months down the road, but you’re
also uncomfortable, bloated, and you really miss sushi. You can’t do some of
the things you could do before simply because, well, you have a basketball for a belly and how are you supposed to work with that? Let’s look on the
bright side, shall we? Soon, that belly will yield a dreamy, beautiful baby. But while that little bun is baking in there, believe it or not, that bump can actually be quite useful. Let us count the ways.
You don’t need no stinking table. You can eat breakfast in
bed, on the couch, in a car, in a damn canoe! You have a built-in table tray
made available at all times of the day. Sure, it can’t house a 5-course
meal, but it can comfortably hold a large bowl of rocky road ice cream. And that’s
all you really need it to hold, anyway.
2. Clothes valet
Don’t have a hanger handy? Lay that freshly pressed shirt
across your bump while you do whatever. You gave up on wearing clothes
that needed to be ironed when you decided to have kids. You’re all about that
Tide Wrinkle Relaxer now, and cotton jersey. But your belly does work well as a
surface area on which you can line up, lay out and match mismatched socks.
If you ever needed an excuse to get out of going to a
Younique party, a body wrap informational session or even a PTA meeting, now
you have it. In physical-proof form. And when asked if you can attend, no words
even need to be uttered. Just point, shrug your shoulders and then make any
type of confusing (and likely cringeworthy) “Sorry, can't” face.
4. Halloween costume prop
No more boring witch or cat costume for you. And “I don’t
have a costume” is no option. Come on, you’ve got a sweet built-in costume this
year! And the possibilities are endless. It’s an instant beer belly, sports
ball, pumpkin, fish bowl. Adorn it, dress it up—hell, paint David Hasselhoff’s
face on it! You have never owned
Halloween like this before.
5. Pillow for your toddler
Need a handy sleep aid for your toddler? Simply present the
belly. Not to mention the heat your body emanates these days, like a loaf of
bread fresh out of the oven. Put your young child next to you. Get her all
snuggled up, head on your belly pillow cradled slightly by the extra cushion
you’ve developed everywhere else and you’ll be hearing those sweet toddler zzz's
in no time.
With great baby bump comes great power and priority.
6. Stain, bad hair, pimple, boobs decoy
These days, however you feel about your bump, it’s
definitely a scene stealer. It’s headlining your appearance and without even
trying it instantly draws attention away from everything else that you don’t
have the time or desire to care so much about these days. So that no one really
notices the dot-to-dot melasma scene on your face or that you haven’t washed
your hair in four days or even your newly developed triple-D boobs.
7. Geography teaching aid
Have slightly older kids? Draw a world map on your belly.
Instant globe. Do they know where Myanmar is? Now they will.
8. Window cleaner
Wear a terry cloth shirt, put on some Bruno Mars and go
shimmy up on those windows. Kill the exercise bird and the cleaning bird with one big round belly stone.
9. Hiding place for small kids and chocolate
Yeah, you’ve got serious girth, girl. And there ain’t no
hiding it. So you may as well use it to hide other things, such as children
during a friendly game of hide-and-seek, the remote from your husband and a
healthy stash of chocolate, of course.
With great baby bump comes great power and priority. Use it
to move total strangers up out of their seats. If they don’t move immediately,
they will after they hear you mutter something like, “I feel like my water is
about to break right now.”
Don’t feel like putting the kids to bed? Making dinner?
Momming? Stick that bump out a little bit farther, and begin to describe in
detail, the pain from your hemorrhoids, your severe gas or your current bout
of heavy discharge. You’ll get a quick and easy pass to either retire to your
room or meet up with a girlfriend with whom you can discuss these symptoms.
It’s a good visual reminder for all who are subjected to any
angry outburst of all the crazy-ass hormones swirling inside you that are
making you lose your shit at any moment.
reason to get out of carrying heavy objects (AKA your toddler)
Shut down your 3-year-old’s pleas to be carried with a
simple, “Mommy can’t carry you. It will hurt the baby.”
The floor around your setting at the table is a whole lot
cleaner these days. Your belly as a crumb catcher is almost as handy as
something you would buy late night on QVC. Bread
crumbs fall from a sandwich? No problem! Crumbling crust from a ravenous bite
of pizza? Caught it! And cleanup is a breeze! Simply stand up, walk to the
kitchen and brush it all into a trash can. It’s just that simple!
Need a piñata for your kid or co-worker’s birthday party?
All you need is newspaper, water and glue and your belly. Humpty Dumpty piñata,
coming right up!
ball/Good luck charm
Stressed out? A few minutes of circular rubs to that smooth,
taut belly is surprisingly calming. And of course that belly rub can only urge
you to remember that a beautiful baby is on its way. And what could be luckier
than a belly that’s housing a developing little human? Rub that thing before an
important meeting, a big test, or before you hit the blackjack table.
Every time you see that boulder of a belly when you look
into a mirror or look down to pull up your elastic waist pants, when you
bump it into a wall or have to reach around it to put on your shoes, you can’t
help but be happy. You're instantly reminded that despite the heartburn,
swollen feet and stretch marks, life is really wonderful. Every annoyance is
put into perspective and you are instantly filled with gratitude and excitement
to meet this little rascal that is sure to be the light of your life. Belly bump to that!