Google has become the go-to information trove of modern day for a good part of the population. Need to know driving distance from LA to Palm Springs? Google it. Want to convert grams to cups so you can use that British sticky toffee pudding recipe? Google it. How old is Chelsea Handler really? Google, baby. And when you’re pregnant your Google needs increase tenfold. Things crop up, worries surface, and weird symptoms have you consulting Dr. Google on a daily basis. You could say you have Google on speed dial.
Here are just some of the things that pregnant women might search:
1. My toddler just kicked me in the belly, will my baby look like Quark from "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"?
Anyone with kids has experienced this frightful moment. A body slam, a punch, a hop on pop moment where you can’t sleep at night until it’s confirmed that your baby won’t have a huge dent in his head.
2. I went on a bender before I knew I was pregnant, will my baby be OK?
That white as a ghost moment when you recall that girls night out and look at your calendar confirming you had indeed conceived before the bender. You can’t read enough responses. You are convinced you are a monster. That your baby will pay for your night of Jaegar bombs and champagne. This is the worst thing you can Google. But you do it at least a dozen times anyway in hopes of finding a conclusive article which makes you feel better about your actions. ,
3. Can the baby hear me swear?
You surely expect the baby to be born with a deep appreciation of the classical music you’ve been playing to him through your belly. He’ll also have an ear for languages since you’ve been playing Basic French on repeat. Oh, this baby will be born so well rounded. You just hope he ignores the unsavory, less appealing foul language that his mama sometimes utters. Will the baby be like, “Bonjour mama, can I get a little Beethoven’s 5th?” Or will he be like, “DAMN, mama, you say some f***ed up sh**!”
4. How do I induce pooping?
Constipation is running a strong game during those nine months. You start to dream about the pre-pregnant coffee induced painless—and sometimes even pleasant—morning poo. You find yourself searching the web for remedies, potions, elixirs, stretches—anything that will trigger rectal movement. You buy Costco portions of prunes. But then you also can’t pass up that pizza. D'oh!
5. Why so much discharge?
The problem with Googling this is that we all know that this question cannot fully and thoroughly be answered without you also hitting the “images” tab. And then it’s just downhill from there.
6. Is the baby falling into my vagina? Could I touch it if I reached my fingers up?
Maybe you haven’t Googled this. But I have. Some days after a busy day of running/limping you get that massive pressure low into your lady parts. Like all your movement has shaken the baby down into the vag chambers and she’s ready for curtain call. You swear she feels like she is right there, like you could just reach in and give her a fist bump. So you Google it and end up on chat threads with other pregnant ladies who totally have that same feeling and find all kinds of ways to describe it in detail, and you waste at least an hour exchanging grievances but still not knowing why the hell it feels like that in the end.
7. Will my belly button ever pop back in?
Not only do you search for pictures so you can determine your level of belly button pop-age, but you also search for personal stories of cases where it never popped back in. And there are stories. And you will be obsessed with those stories for the next two months.
8. How do you mask the sound and/or smell of gas?
You will get everything from recipes for gut health to “quit eating lamb gyros” to “light them on fire”. These search results will definitely make you snicker and keep you entertained. And then you will spend the next few hours online looking for charcoal underwear.
9. How much is eating for two?
About three minutes into this search, you realize you are not going to get the answer you are looking for, i.e. "eat copious amounts of pizza and cheese fries," so you abandon search and find something else to Google because “an extra handful of cashews” seems like a cruel trick to play on a hungry pregnant lady.
10. How do I keep myself from kicking my husband in the neck?
You start reading the articles about how to help you husband understand what you’re going through. And then you move on to the "What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman" articles. Then you end up on Shopbop.com with four things in the cart (because you deserve it, dammit) right before moving on to typing “Chris Helmsworth abs” in the search bar.
11. How do I deter strangers from touching my belly?
Followed up by typing "What is wrong with people?"
You'll wish you hadn't seen this. But there was never any stopping you from looking.
12. Where can I find chicken and waffles at 1 a.m.?
You hold your breath as you peruse the search results. And you do a freaking end zone dance when you find a 24- hour diner across town that sells them. But then you discover that that place closed down six months ago. Damn you, Google!!! Then you grudgingly get back on your phone and search recipes for chicken and waffles. You can't continue to exist unless you have those chicken and waffles.
13. Beyoncé pregnancy photos
Because seeing Bey pregnant makes you feel like you have something in common with her and that makes you feel pretty badass. You spend the next half hour strutting around the house singing “Who run the world? GIRLS!”
14. How to apologize after telling someone to back the F off when they were just trying to help?
Emotions are running high these days.
15. Can you eat too many Twix Bars dipped in peanut butter?
You do this mostly knowing that the search will just end in you gaining more suggestions of delicious things in which you can dip Twix bars.
16. How to prevent pooping during labor.
This is another one of those searches that you hope will give you peace of mind. Where you hope to find statistics showing that only a very miniscule number of laboring women actually poop or that it is an urban myth, altogether. But that does not happen. So then you desperately Google "how to quickly empty your bowels before having a baby." And you also make your husband swear to tell you if you are doing it on that day.
17. How to politely tell your mother in law that HELL NO, she can’t be in the delivery room.
Again, this is one of those searches that leads to angry pregnant women bitch session chat rooms.
18. Meditation for pregnant women who are losing their shit.
Or maybe you just skip to a search for "prenatal muay thai boxing classes."
19. Recipes involving salted caramel anything.
To send on to your spouse to make. Right now!!!
20. Why is it called the linea negra?
Really though. Why does this weird dark line resembling a pantyhose seem get a fancy Spanish name?
21. Will my hemorrhoids ever settle down?
And then it’s a search for “where can I buy witch hazel in bulk”?
22. Where did my ankles go?
And when will they return?
23. Popular weekend getaway destinations for one.
No, this is not a babymoon search. This is a search for a getaway for ONE. ONE. PREGNANT. WOMAN. WITH. HEMORRHOIDS. AND. SCIATICA.
24. Do Japanese women stop eating sushi when pregnant?
You’ll do anything to give you the green light on taking down that sushi boat at lunch.
25. Do French women stop eating soft cheeses when pregnant?
You just need one result to indicate any degree of “no” and you are face down in a wheel of camembert.
26. How soon after delivery can I drink whiskey?
This is not a joke. You need an actual timeframe!
27. Why do my nipples look like black raisins?
Followed up by, “why so veiny?”
28. How to wax your vag without being able to see it?
If you’re going to poop on the delivery table, you need a well groomed cooch to counter that primitive act.
29. How many days can one go without bathing before someone notices?
This answer will serve you well throughout all your years of parenting.
30. How much are motorized wheelchairs?
And can you rent them?
31. How to induce labor?
And then you send your husband to the store to get castor oil, evening primrose oil, and pineapple, while you stay home to walk your stairs while stimulating your nipples.
32. What does afterbirth taste like?
You “ew” and grimace through the first three search results. You say to yourself out loud, “Why would anyone ever do that?” And then you quietly bookmark a recipe for “afterbirth milkshake.” Pregnancy, man. It changes you.
33. What does the mucus plug look like?
You'll wish you hadn't seen this. But there was never any stopping you from looking.
34. Why are women such badasses?
You don’t have to Google that. It’s pretty obvious.